


The Guys You Elbow in Mosh Pits

by castieldauntlesswinchester



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abuse Flashbacks, Alternate Universe, An Abundance of Badassery, Angst, Anna is an awesome sister, Bi!Dean, Castiel Has Panic Attacks, Crude Jokes that are Fucking Funny, Fluff, Happy Ending, Healthy Recovery, Illegal Activities, Implied Sexual Content, Love Confessions, M/M, Past Abuse, Piercings, Positive Worldview, Punk!Dean, Recreational Drug Use, References to Abuse, Schmoop, Tattoos, The Roadhouse, They Say Punk Is Dead But I'm Standing Right Here, Too Much Cute Not Enough Space, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, adorableness, cuteness, gay!cas, librarian!cas, mary is alive, mechanic!Dean, punk!Cas, punk!destiel, slight angst, some violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-28
Updated: 2015-02-20
Packaged: 2018-03-03 22:55:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 38,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2891144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/castieldauntlesswinchester/pseuds/castieldauntlesswinchester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just my luck, I elbowed the hottest guy in a ten mile radius.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> "I accidentally broke your nose in a mosh pit AU." Consider it done! Hope you love it! 
> 
> *Some mention of blood tw. Sorry.*

   "Oh my god, I'm so sorry! Are you okay?"

   "What?"

   The man's hands covered his face, but Castiel could still see the blood running down his face. He'd been fist pumping, jumping, and going crazy in the mosh pit with everyone else when he felt his elbow make contact with something solid. Someone's face, he guessed. The music was so loud he could feel it rush through his body - just how he liked it - until he needed to make sure the guy behind him was okay.

   He watched the man take his hands away from his face, staring with teeth clenched at the blood pooled in his palms, and stared up at Castiel. He had the most gorgeous green eyes Castiel had ever seen.

   "Are you okay? Let me help you." Castiel knew the man probably still couldn't hear him worth a shit with the music so overpowering, but he led the man away to the bathroom, arm draped over his shoulder. He took the opportunity to give the man a once-over - he was beautiful. His short blonde hair was styled in a carelessly messy fauxhawk, thick black eyeliner, piercings in his eyebrows, ears, and oh god, his lip. He wore a black leather jacket, complete with studs and torn-off sleeves to show his impressive sleeve tattoos, a black v-neck t-shirt, and black jeans that hugged his ass just right. His platform boots came halfway to his knees with enough buckles to make a gay man cry. _Just my luck, I elbowed the hottest guy in a ten mile radius._

   He pushed the door open that lead out of the auditorium and held it for the beautiful man. Once it shut behind them, the music faded to a dull roar. The man's blood dripped on the floor all the way to the bathroom. "Fuck, I'm so sorry."

   "Hey, it's okay. Happens all the time. I was kinda, ya know, _in a mosh pit._ Most people don't even notice."

   Cas pushed the bathroom door open and immediately grabbed a wad of paper towels. He couldn't help but chuckle at the man's nonchalance at being elbowed in the face by a stranger. "What's your name?" Castiel asked once he'd given the man some paper towels to stop the bleeding.

   "Dean. Dean Winchester. You?"

   "Castiel Novak. You can call me Cas."

   "I bet you say that to all the guys you elbow at concerts." His bright green eyes flashed with mischief in the mirror towards Cas, and he couldn't help the grin that stretched across his face.

   "As a matter of fact, I do." Dean was silent for a moment, he seemed stunned by the unexpected response, then chuckled under his breath. His smile was dazzling, and unfortunately caused Castiel to forget to breathe for a second. A tense silence stretched between them as Dean finished cleaning up.

   "Hey, why don't you let me buy you a drink? It's the least I can do." Dean turned to look at him, hesitating. He looked over Castiel so quickly Cas could swear he imagined it, and seemed to change his mind.

   "You're right, Cas, it is." He gave Cas a million dollar smile and walked out of the bathroom. "I know a great little diner just down the road. Hungry?"

   Cas was distracted by Dean's thickly muscled biceps, and had to physically stop himself from touching them. "Sure, why not?"

   When they'd made their way to the parking lot and Cas headed for his car, Dean tugged him a different direction. "We can take my car."

   "I bet you say that to all the guys who elbow you at concerts." Cas smirked, and Dean's laugh ringing into the cold, empty night made his heart flutter.

   "As a matter of fact, I don't." Dean looked at him from beneath thick eyelashes, and Cas turned a violent shade of red and tongued his lip ring. No way this guy was straight.

   They weaved through what felt like an ocean of cars - it was no small concert - when finally Dean stopped and pulled the door open on a classic muscle car, and a nice one. "This is my Baby." He ran a hand over the roof lovingly and got in the driver's seat. Cas got in the passenger's seat, then thought better of it, shifting across the seat closer to Dean. 

   "Damn nice car, Dean," he said once he'd moved to the middle of the seat, not touching Dean, but very much in his personal space. Dean smirked and gave him a sideways glance.

   "Got that right." He started the car and revved the engine. Castiel was honestly a bit startled at how powerful the engine was, blue eyes widening quickly. Dean chuckled. "Aw, did I scare you, babe?" Castiel turned beet red. "Hold on tight, then." Dean's smile was downright predatory as he peeled out of the parking lot and onto the near-empty road. It must've been past midnight; there was no traffic to worry about.

 

***

 

   "Yeah, I'll have my usual, Joe. A bacon cheeseburger for my friend here." Dean grinned up at the petite blonde waitress serving him, they certainly seemed to know each other. 

   "Out in a minute, Winchester." His eyes seemed to trail along after her.

   Cas leaned in to whisper conspiratorially. "So are you guys, you know..." He poured on the sarcasm just to be safe. Dean's smile was dangerous, his eyes smoldering. The tilt of his head was adorable. Obliging Cas, he leaned in to whisper, "Don't you worry about that sweetheart, she's like a sister to me." He winked, and Castiel's heart sped up. He slouched back in the booth seat, putting on a devil-may-care persona and a toothy grin.

   "Is that right? A pretty thing like her?"

   Dean remained leaned over the table. He let those green eyes wander over Castiel's body, slowly. Shamelessly. "I believe I'm looking at a pretty thing right now. Honestly this one is much more fun. Feisty, really. He's got a pretty nice ass, from what I can see." 

   Castiel was having a hard time not staring at those full, pink lips, and that fucking lip ring. Castiel sure loved a guy with a lip ring. _I am fucked_.

  _Well, let's hope, at least._

   Castiel stared back, eyes lingering on Dean's lips, and leaned in, maybe just a bit too close.

   "Well Dean, would you like a closer look?" He tilted his head and let his gaze focus on Dean's eyes. 

   Dean's eyes dropped to the table, and Castiel immediately froze, afraid he'd done something wrong. _Dammit fucking shit-_

   His green eyes rose to meet Cas's blue with a very serious expression. "We aren't gonna be here long enough to finish our burgers, are we?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas woke up with his lean body curled into something solid, soft, and warm, beneath thick, soft blankets, the early morning sunlight blazed orange through the thin curtains over the windows.   
>  Shit, where the fuck am I.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You asked for it, here it is! Let me know if you think I should keep going. I never intended this to be very long.

   Cas woke up with his lean body curled into something solid, soft, and warm, beneath thick, soft blankets, the early morning sunlight blazed orange through the thin curtains over the windows. _Shit, where the fuck am I._ He didn't care too much. He didn't bother opening his eyes, just cuddled closer to the solid body next to him. His hand slid over a broad chest. _Damn, I did good_. His face rested in the crook of a neck and shoulder. He smiled and pushed his nose up into the warm neck and up to a strong jawline. _I did_ really _good_. 

   "Good morning, there, sweetheart." A green-eyed Adonis rolled over and Cas felt arms wrap around him, a grin gracing the beautiful face in front of him and a soft emerald glow in his eyes. The previous night started coming back to him then, and he felt a familiar soreness in his torso and a steady pounding in his head. Then he remembered _the rest_ of last night. _Damn he fucks good_. 

   Soft lips met his, and Cas melted into Dean's body, arms wrapping around him. A heat rose in his chest that he didn't feel often. He was almost tempted to let himself feel it for a moment, but though better of it. _No. I won't. I can't_. He stuffed it down as best he could and let his hand find Dean's hair, fingers tangling in it. His tongue pushed against Dean's lips insistently, and they immediately parted. Castiel curled their tongues together sweetly, and Dean gave a low moan. Cas's eyelids fluttered open with a devious twinkle in his eye. He gripped his knees around Dean's bare hips and rolled on top of him, not breaking the kiss.

   Dean groaned. "Babe, I have to go to work..." He muttered against Castiel's lips, but the hands on Cas's back pulled him closer and the arms around him grew heavier. Cas trailed kisses over Dean's stubbled jawline and made sure to spend some extra time sucking on that particular sweet spot on his neck, just under his ear. Dean's breathing grew labored. 

   "And?" Cas gently licked Dean's neck just the right way. 

   "Ah! - You bastard!" Dean pulled Cas's hair to push their lips together in the kind of bruising kiss he knew Cas liked. He smiled against Dean's lips.

 

***

 

   "Give me your phone."

   Dean tossed him his phone. 

   "I don't even know you, you elbowed me in the face last night, and I just _gave_ you my phone." Dean rifled through the clothes in his drawers, looking for a certain t-shirt, Cas guessed.

   "Quit your bitching, I'm putting my number in it." Dean stopped cold, and didn't turn around.

   "Really?"

   Cas stared up at him. "Yeah. Did you not... want me to do that?" 

   Dean spun around. "No! Yeah, I mean, I just didn't think you would want..."

   Cas smirked. "I do want, Dean," he replied, snarky, and finished making his contact in Dean's phone as _Jerk <3_.

   Dean's smile lit up the room. Castiel only caught a glimpse of it before he tamed his expression back into something more carefully crafted.

   "Great. I'll call you soon, then?" Dean tongued his lip ring, a nervous tick Castiel had learned in just the past few hours that he found incredibly endearing.

   He gave Dean a careful smile. "Yeah." They stared at each other like that for who really knows how long, a bit lost in each other's eyes, (not that he'd ever admit to that), until Cas figured out how to make his mouth work again. "You better get to work, you're gonna be late."

   Dean blinked and snapped out of it. "Yeah, you're right. Do you need a ride or anything?"

   "That's okay, it's not that far back to my car, I can walk." Dean still seemed concerned, but he let it go. 

   "Suit yourself." He pulled on a jumpsuit, complete with oil and grease stains, and his name embroidered on a patch on his chest. 

   "Are you a mechanic?" Cas asked, perplexed. He hadn't quite pegged Dean for the mechanic type, in spite of his nice car. Though he didn't give it much thought last night, either.

   "Yeah, at Singer's Auto, on Folsom Street." 

   "And if I happened to need an oil change today, could I get you to bend over in that jumpsuit?"

   Dean rolled his eyes, and continued gathering his things. "God yes."

   Cas chuckled. Grabbing his keys from the dresser, Dean headed for the door, Cas following.

   They stopped outside the door, and Dean turned to look at him. Cas could practically see the awkwardness dripping off of him. "So, I'll, uh, call you?"

   "You better, if you know what's good for you, Winchester." Cas planted a firm kiss on Dean's lips and started walking to his car, three blocks away.

    _God damn._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you loved it! Comments and kudos are the breath in my lungs! I never intended for this to be a WIP, but you asked for it. Let me know what you think in the comments!!! Should I write more? I could keep going if you wanted. Comment and let me know!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He thought the scene would look odd to someone who didn't know them - these two incredibly handsome men, covered in piercings and tattoos and always clad in black, grinning at each other doe-eyed, across the table of a small town diner. 'But I love this. I want to keep this.'
> 
> In which the author thinks she is fucking hilarious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You asked for it! Here it is!  
> *Implied sexual content.. again. Sorry not sorry.*

_I should call him._

_Would that be weird? We literally met last night._

_Don't be such a little bitch, Winchester. Do what makes you happy._

   Dean took a long drag from his cigarette and pulled out his phone to call Cas. He found a contact he didn't recognize - _Jerk <3_. Smirking to himself, he hit call. He tapped his cigarette lightly against the concrete wall he was leaning on, out behind the garage where he always took his smoke breaks. He was one of the best mechanics in town, so Bobby, his boss, didn't mind an extra smoke break now and then. The phone rang a few times before Cas picked up. 

   "Yeah?"

   Dean paused. He had no clue what to say. He could hear Cas's devious grin through the phone. 

   "Cat got your tongue, Winchester?"

   "Fuck you too, Cas."

   "I'd rather do the fucking this time, but hey, I'll take your cock however I can get it."

   Dean chuckled and took another drag from his cigarette. "You free for lunch today?"

   "Only if lunch is your ass."

   "You just don't quit, do you?"

   "What can I say, your ass is fine wine."

   "I was thinking more along the lines of burgers and pie."

   Dean could've cut Cas's sass with a butter knife. "Dean, that's so sweet. Sure thing, doll, when and where?"

   "I'm partial to The Roadhouse, the place we were at last night, and my lunch break's at 12:30."

   "Is this, like, a classy date? Can we put two straws in one milkshake and everything? Should I wear a poodle skirt? Oh my god, Dean, my poodle skirt is in the wash, I can't do this right now."

   "Cas, wear whatever the hell you want, I'm sure you'll still be adorable." Dean puffed a smoke ring into the air and put his cigarette out. "Will you be there?" He tongued his lip ring. Cas was silent for a moment.

   "I'll be there. See you then." Cas hung up, and Dean laughed as he went back to work, leaning under the hood of a classic Mustang that was having spark plug problems.

   "Damn, that jumpsuit is really growing on me." Cas's gravelly voice came from behind him. Dean turned his head to see a wide smile splitting Cas's face and a dangerous glint in his eyes. He wore a plain black t-shirt, heavy black eyeliner, combat boots, and torn up black skinny jeans. 

   "Enjoying the view, fuckface?"

   "You bet that sweet ass I am." 

   Dean removed himself from the car's engine bay and straightened. "What are you doing here, I've got at least half an hour before my lunch break starts." Dean grabbed a rag and wiped the grease off his hands as best he could.

   Cas stepped into Dean's personal space. "Just thought I'd come say hi." He planted a firm kiss on Dean's mouth. He planned to pull away - he really did, honest to god - but Cas's lips were so sweet, and warm, and they felt a little too much like home, considering he'd only met Cas less than twenty-four hours ago. Cas didn't pull away, and neither did Dean. He put his hands lightly on Cas's hips and gently tugged him a little closer. Cas obliged him, fitting their bodies together easily. Cas's hands slid down his back and came to settle on the curve of his ass. 

   "Cas, I can't do this here," Dean groaned, making a pathetic attempt to push Cas away.

   "Says who?" He palmed Dean's ass and pulled their hips together roughly. His lips curled up, and Dean was starting to love that wild look in his eyes.

   Dean stared at him for a moment, getting lost in the ocean blue eyes so close in front of his face.

   Dean rolled his eyes. "Oh my god, get in the fucking car, but my boss will _kill_ me if there's so much as a tiny stain in this backseat."

   Cas grinned as he crawled into the backseat of some stranger's car to fuck his boyfriend. His head whipped around at that comment with an over-the-top scowl on his face. 

   "Dean Winchester, I am offended! I swallow!"

  

***

 

   "I still love this jumpsuit." 

   "Yeah, okay, get off me you perv. I've still got a few minutes before I'm free for lunch." Dean gave Cas a playful shove as he moved off of Dean and got out of the car.

   "Have I ever mentioned that I love a man with a lip ring?"

   "Yeah, actually, you were moaning something like that in my ear just a minute ago. Good to know." Dean grinned and tongued his lip ring conspicuously. "Should I get another one?"

   "You should get another eyebrow piercing, I think, but the one lip ring looks good on you. I guess you could do snake bites if you wanted."

   "The one I have now hurt like a bitch, I am not getting another one in my eyebrow." Dean ran a hand over his hair, trying to make it look like he _hadn't_ just sixty-nined his boyfriend in the back of a client's car.

   "Don't be such a pussy, Winchester."

   "Eat me."

   "Is that a promise?"

   Dean laughed. "If you want it to be, sweetheart." Dean planted a kiss on his forehead and continued working on testing the spark plugs.

   "I'll hold you to it." Cas looked up from playing with his phone sitting on a nearby garage stool. "You know, we should go get our cocks pierced sometime. It'll be fun. I got fucked by this guy with a cock piercing once, and oh my god-"

   "Okay, time for lunch! We are not talking about this here." Dean wiped his hands on his jumpsuit. "Let me go get changed and we can head to the diner, okay?" 

   Cas gave a genuine smile, the kind Dean was growing fond of. "Sure." He gave Cas a light, chaste kiss and headed to the bathroom to change into something presentable.

    _Wow. Just wow._

 

***

 

   "Yeah everything's great, as always, hon. Can we get a milkshake, also? Large, two straws?" Cas beamed, seeming to forget Jo's existence entirely, and Jo couldn't keep from grinning either. She let out a strangled sound that Dean guessed girls made when they found something adorable. 

   "It would be my pleasure." She gave a sweet smile and bounced off. 

   "Dean, you didn't have to-"

   "Of course I did." Dean squeezed Cas's hand where their fingers were laced together on the table. "How else am I supposed to keep you coming back to me?"

   "You could always, I don't know, fuck me senseless. You're pretty good at that."

   Dean laughed, caught off guard by Cas's humor once again. Their feet were tangled under the table, and Dean scooted Cas's feet closer to him. _God, you are a pathetic fucking schoolgirl over this guy._ He thought the scene would look odd to someone who didn't know them - these two incredibly handsome men, covered in piercings and tattoos and always clad in black, grinning at each other doe-eyed, across the table of a small town diner. _But I love this. I want to keep this._

   "Here's your milkshake- with an extra cherry, on the house." 

   Dean shook himself out of his reverie and realized that they'd been silently staring at each other the entire time. _You got it bad, Winchester_.

   "Thanks, Jo." She left quickly, doing her best to give them space. She and Dean had been childhood friends, and still kept in contact, but Dean was betting she saw the way he looked at Cas, and she was doing her best to give them some space. He silently reminded himself to buy Jo a drink at some point.

   "Alright, Ms. Prima-donna, a milkshake to share, just for you." Dean ripped their straws open and sunk them both into the chocolatey heaven, one for him and one for Cas. There was a warm look in Cas's eyes that Dean wanted to curl up inside of. Cas smoothed his thumb over Dean's hand and smiled as they started in on the milkshake.

   "So, may apartment or yours tonight?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep those ideas coming! Let me know what you wanna see out of this story! Comments and kudos are the breath in my lungs! Let me know what you think!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean waved him inside, and lead him to the couch in the living room. The small coffee table in front of them was littered with a smorgasbord of horror movies- from black and white classics to the more recent hits, including all seven Saw movies. As Cas's eyes roved Dean's impressive collection, Cas noticed something missing. "Dean. I cannot believe you."
> 
> "Pretty great, huh? What do you like?"
> 
> He turned and gave him a cold, dead stare.
> 
> "No. Please fucking tell me you have Rocky Horror Picture Show."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you love it! Keep giving me ideas for this story!

   Cas knocked on Dean's door. He was so lost in thought about shades of green that when the door opened, he jumped.

   Dean grinned. "Did I scare you, Cas? Is my eyeliner that bad?"

   "I've never seen your eyeliner anything less than perfect, Dean."

   "Aw, now you're just trying to get in my pants."

   Cas lips curled into a dangerous smile. "So what if I am?"

   Dean waved him inside, and lead him to the couch in the living room. The small coffee table in front of them was littered with a smorgasbord of horror movies- from black and white classics to the more recent hits, including all seven Saw movies. As Cas's eyes roved Dean's impressive collection, Cas noticed something missing. "Dean. I cannot believe you."

   "Pretty great, huh? What do you like?"

   He turned and gave him a cold, dead stare.

   "No. Please fucking tell me you have Rocky Horror Picture Show."

   Dean picked up a movie that was sitting beside him on the end table and gave Cas a look. "Cas, it's practically queer punk law that you start every horror movie marathon with Rocky Horror Picture show, come on! Did you really think -" Cas smashed his lips into Dean's, effectively silencing him. 

   "I knew there was something I liked about you."

 

***

 

   After they'd watched Rocky Horror Picture Show and Psycho, it was about 10:30 at night, and the fierce grumbling of Cas's stomach was interrupting the beginning credits of The Exorcist. Dean and Cas were cuddled up on the couch with a blanket over them, far too warm and comfortable to move. Dean turned his head towards Cas and felt Cas's nose brushing his. "Chinese or pizza?"

   "I've eaten frozen pizza at least four nights in a row because they were on sale at the store and I'm poor."

   "Chinese it is."

   Dean extricated himself from the mess of limbs and love they were and ordered Chinese delivery. While Dean was in the next room, Cas quickly pulled off his pants as quietly as he could and threw them on the other side of the couch, out of sight. It was dark anyway, and his pants were black, so it's not like Dean would've noticed anyway. He tried and failed not to chuckle mischievously.

   "I hope you like crab rangoon, because I love them." Dean snuggled back under the blanket and immediately noticed Cas's lack of pants where they had been only a moment ago. He grinned, ear to ear, planting his hands on the couch on either side of Cas's body and laying over him until Cas was laying flat on his back. He let his hands roam over Cas's body, pulling the hem of his t-shirt up until Cas tugged it off and pushed his hands under the hem of Dean's sweatpants and over his ass. Dean licked a stripe up his neck as he palmed Cas's cock. Dean whispered into his ear, "I'd ask you where your pants went, but I don't particularly give a fuck."

 

***

 

   At about 3 o'clock in the morning, Cas noticed Dean's breathing slowed, along with his heartbeat, and soon enough, he was fast asleep. Cas turned off the tv and gently layed Dean flat on the couch, with Cas curled up on top of him. He listened to the steady heart beat in Dean's chest, feeling it rise and fall under his cheek, and he was scared. _You can't do this. And you know it. You're gonna break his heart for no good reason. You should just leave now._ Castiel tightened his grip on Dean and closed his eyes, drowning out the fearful thoughts and making his most valiant effort at sleep.

 

***

 

   Castiel awoke, and as per usual, refused to open his eyes. He let out a pleased groan as he felt a large, calloused hand running softly through his hair. Dean's throaty laugh rumbled in his chest under Cas's cheek. He nuzzled his head up into Dean's ministrations, and smiled like a cat that got the cream. 

   "Morning Cas."

   "Good morning, Dean." His voice was rough and somehow deeper just waking up. He quickly became very aware of his morning wood pressing against Dean's hip, and forced his eyes open, rolling over to lay flat on top of Dean. "Dean, I have a question for you."

   Dean booped his nose with one finger gently. "And what's that, gorgeous?" He took Cas's face in his hands.

   "Were you just being stingy yesterday, or are you really opposed to morning sex?" Cas felt Dean's laughter through his entire body. 

   "Actually, I don't have to work today, so I love morning sex."

   "That's convenient. I don't think I-"

  _Rrrrring._

   "God fucking damn-" Cas grumbled to himself, crawling over Dean to retrieve his phone from his pants pocket. He stared at it for a moment like he wanted to hurl it off a cliff, and answered it. "Hello?" He stared at Dean. "Yeah, sure. Am I there all day?" He traced his thin, pale fingers over Dean's lips as they curled into a smile. "Oh, okay great. Yeah, sure. No, really, it's okay. Anytime, Eleanor. See you later." Cas hung up the phone and immediately groaned as loud as he possibly could. "So I don't have time for morning sex, damn these fucking people." Dean's eyes fell immediately.

   "What's wrong, is everything okay?"

   "Yeah, I just have to go into work today, even though I _fucking told them_ I was taking some time off. I swear they would all just die without me." Cas continued grumbling to himself as he pulled his pants and shoes on. He checked his breath, and, clearly repulsed by what he found, pulled a stick of mint gum out of his back pocket to chew right away.

   "What do you do, Cas?" It occurred to Dean that they he didn't know what this man even did for a living, or some other basic background information that he would have to make it a point to find out.  

   Cas blushed. Dean found it completely adorable. "I'm a librarian." 

   Dean smiled. "Oh my god, that is _so_ adorable. Where?"

   "The one just down the block from the garage you work at."

   "Are you serious?" Dean's smile grew brighter, and fell just as quickly. "Why didn't you say anything?"

   "I was planning on having some time off. I told Eleanor she was just going to have to give some other people more hours, because I needed some time. I am three days into my 'vacation,' and she can't get any of those other lazy assholes to come in today, so she called me. I'll only be there until two, it's not even a full shift, so it's not that big of a deal."

   "I'm sorry. Why were you taking time off?" Cas stopped dead in his tracks.

   "Uhm, can we talk about that later? If you want? It's... kind of a long story." Cas stared at the floor, knowing he couldn't look Dean in the eye. He hadn't talked to anyone, but he was determined not to let it ruin whatever this thing was with Dean. "Can I meet you for lunch? The Roadhouse, about noon?"

   Dean was clearly concerned for Cas, but he saw the look in Cas's eye and decided to let it drop. He would talk when he wanted to. Besides, they only barely knew each other. Dean forced a smile on, and gently placed two fingers under Cas's chin to bring their lips together. "Sure thing, sweetheart." Cas smiled against Dean's lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep giving me ideas for this story! Comments and kudos are the breath in my lungs! I hope you like it! Let me know what you think in the comments! <3 xx


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas pulled his clothes on quickly and threaded his fingers in Dean's hair and whispered in his sweetest voice, "Come on babe, my shift's over at two, and then I'm gonna fuck you til you can't walk and mark you like a bitch, I promise."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Make sure you leave your thoughts and/or ideas for future chapters in the comments! Enjoy!

   "Hey, uh, could you help me find something?"

   Castiel spun in his chair behind the checkout counter and lowered his glasses at a familiar blonde man with a dreamy jawline and flawless eyeliner. A smile tugged at Cas's lip, and he folded his hands calmly in front of him. Blue eyes dragged over Dean's body slowly, then back up to his eyes. "I'll help you with whatever you like, sir." He tilted his head smugly.

   "Great, I'm actually looking for a someone, he's always wearing black, he's got this grin that just lights up a room, with this sexy lip ring, amazing ass, and these eyes that are so blue. Have you seen him around here?" 

   Castiel's brow furrowed in mock concentration and proceeded to play along. "I know who you mean, he's in here all the time. You know, it's been pretty slow today, no one else is here. He spends most of his time in the Science Fiction section, should I... take you to him?" Castiel folded his glasses and set them on the desk. 

   Dean looked like a kid in a candy store. "You know, that would be just wonderful, thank you." Castiel lead him through a maze of shelves and stacks of books, and up the stairs to the lounge in the back with leather couches and armchairs and coffee tables. He spun and grabbed Dean's collar, kissed him fiercely, pulling Dean on top of him on the nearest couch. 

   Dean gasped in surprise against Castiel's lips, and then melted into him, chuckling darkly. "How are you, babe?"

   Cas quickly shoved Dean's jacket off of his shoulders and onto the floor. "Much better now."

 

***

 

   "We still on for lunch?"

   "Why not?" 

   Dean was sprawled out on the leather couch, eyes closed, still completely blissed out from Cas riding him like a whore in the middle of a fucking library. Cas crawled off of him and collected his and Dean's clothing from where it was scattered around the room. "Get your lazy ass off my couch, Winchester."

   Cas pulled his clothes on quickly and threaded his fingers in Dean's hair and whispered in his sweetest voice, "Come on babe, my shift's over at two, and then I'm gonna fuck you til you can't walk and mark you like a bitch, I promise."

   Dean groaned. "I'm lookin' forward to it." He grinned and made an effort at putting his clothes on. 

   "We should definitely do this again sometime. The slow days are _sooo_ boring, especially when I'm the only one here."

   Dean was silent for a moment. "Hey Cas?"

   Cas grunted in response.

   "Your glasses are fucking adorable."

   "Hey Dean?"

   "Mmm?"

   "Shut the fuck up and get your bitch ass out of my library."

   "Woah, no need to get feisty there." Dean planted a firm kiss on Cas's lips and went on his way.

 

***

 

   When Cas showed up ten minutes early at The Roadhouse, he was a bit surprised to find Dean already sitting in their booth nursing a beer.

   "Isn't it a little early for that?" Dean's lips curled around the mouth of his beer bottle. 

   "Nobody fucking asked you." Cas stole the bottle just as Dean was about to finish it, and polished it off for him, setting the empty bottle aside. Dean couldn't help but grin.

   "How are you enjoying your day off?"

   "So far I've been dancing naked in my kitchen, baking cookies and listening to Fall Out Boy, so I'm having a damn chipper day. You?"

   Castiel laughed so hard he was fairly certain his cheeks were bright red by now. "Are you serious?" He managed to spit out amongst the giggling.

   Dean gaped at him sarcastically. "Of course I am, I fucking love baking cookies, don't let my lip ring deceive you." Cas laughed harder, and kissed Dean as best he could while he was smiling so wide. Dean eventually joined him, both of them laughing up a storm for no apparent reason. "You are so goddamn adorable," Dean laughed out, and as Jo approached he tried to calm himself.

   "Hey Dean, are you gonna introduce me to your boyfriend or am I going to have to introduce myself?"

   Dean smiled his most pleasant smile and used his most pleasant tone as he told her to go fuck herself, and introduced him. "Jo, this is Cas, he's kind of a bitch-" Cas pulled his hand away from Dean's and slapped his wrist sharply, "Cas, this is Jo. Also kind of a bitch."

   "You better watch your back, Winchester. I can't slap you while I'm on the clock. Your usual, I guess?"

   "Yes, ma'am." Dean wore an apologetic face that Cas thought was dangerously close to puppy dog eyes with a smile.

   "Now that's more like it," Jo called as she sauntered off.

   Cas turned to Dean. "So is that the word we're using?" He asked casually.

   "What word?"

   "Boyfriend."

   Dean paused for a moment. "If you're okay with that word, I kinda like that word." He seemed to grow shy in an instant, cheeks burning red.

   Cas stared at the gorgeous man in front of him, and dammit, his eyeliner really was perfect. "I like that word."

   The smile Dean gave him was so shy and genuine, Castiel beamed back at him. "Okay."

   They chattered on normally until their food came, Dean immediately digging into his bacon double cheeseburger with fervor. "So, why have you been taking some time off lately?" Dean tried to sound as casual and gentle as possible.

   Cas bit off the fry in his mouth. "The last relationship I was in was, well... not great." His eyes were glued to the table in front of him. Dean stopped eating to focus all of his attention on Cas. 

   "Do you wanna talk about it?" He rubbed soothing circles over Castiel's wrist with the pad of his thumb.

   "Uh... Not right now? Maybe later, if you want?" Cas looked up with wide eyes and immediately felt safer, losing himself in the concern on Dean's face.

   "Sure, whatever makes you feel comfortable." 

   "Well, I've been doing better lately, I just needed some time off work to heal and relax and get back on my feet, you know. I took a break from dating for a while to build up my self-esteem and try to learn a little more about myself, embrace my identity a little more. I didn't want to get involved with someone while I was still... compromised." Dean held his eyes. "But I'm doing much better now. I'm happier."

   Dean's eyes were lit up in awe. "We've barely known each other a few days, and I continue to be amazed by you."

   Cas bowed his head again, staring at the table, blushing at Dean's soft and genuine tone. He felt two fingers curl under his chin gently and lift his head just slightly. Dean smiled at him comfortingly. "I mean that." Cas blushed even deeper and took Dean's hand to kiss it. Dean curled their feet together under the table and changed the subject to something more casual, and Castiel was comfortable in the easy conversation. He was comfortable with Dean. He still had his insecurities and his doubts, but he was already determined to be happy, because he deserved it. He was no damsel in distress,in need of a savior. He saved himself, and he thought he might have found his happily ever after. 

   He bit his lip ring a little too hard for thinking something so cheesy and lame.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think? Comments and kudos are the breath in my lungs! Tell me what you want to see in future chapters!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas was cuddled up with Dean on his couch, watching Han Solo and Princess Leia banter around each other. Cas had been rummaging through Dean's movies and found out that he was a massive closet nerd - Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Star Trek, Batman, the works. He'd just giggled and held them up for Dean to see, while Dean frantically tried to hide them and make up some wild bullshit excuse. Cas kissed him and said, "We are watching all of these. Right now. I have a giant crush on Han Solo."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Some trigger warnings in this chapter* Discussion of past abuse and non-con. It gets kinda intense, sorry not sorry.  
> Please be kind; Cas's back story is based on things that happened to me, because my creative brain is a sad limp noodle so I just use my real life experiences. Thanks!
> 
> *Side note: I also have a giant crush on Han Solo.
> 
> Enjoy!

   Cas was cuddled up with Dean on his couch, watching Han Solo and Princess Leia banter around each other. Cas had been rummaging through Dean's movies and found out that he was a massive closet nerd - Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Star Trek, Batman, the works. He'd just giggled and held them up for Dean to see, while Dean frantically tried to hide them and make up some wild bullshit excuse. Cas kissed him and said, "We are watching all of these. Right now. I have a giant crush on Han Solo." Dean blushed and kissed him back.

   "So, do you wanna talk about what we were talking about earlier today?" Dean's tone was softer than Cas had ever hear it, and he pushed his nose into Dean's neck and sighed.

   "Sure. You deserve to know." Dean dropped a precious kiss on his forehead. "His name was Balthazar. We met my junior year of college at a party, and he bought me a drink. He seemed nice, and I went home with him. After that, he took an interest in me, which was something I was not used to. My parents were religious homophobic freaks too, but that's beside the point. I took attention wherever I could get it, and Balthazar was giving it. One of my favorite bands was in town a few weeks later, and he showed up as I was ordering a drink from the very cute bartender. I didn't really think much of it, but then it kept happening, he would just show up at random times, he started taking my phone, and it all went downhill from there. He'd say awful things and generally degrade me, and eventually it turned into just plain abuse. He would push me around in the bedroom, and he never listened when I told him to stop. He'd 'ask' me if I wanted to try different things, sexually, and if I said no, he'd get angry, hold me down, do what he wanted. It wasn't uncommon for him to hit me, seemingly for no reason, at the most random times. I became his toy. One night after I took a pretty harsh beating, my sister called. Anna. She's religious, but not in the stuck up asshole-ish way that my parents have always been, Anna cared so much for me, even when we were kids. She helped me dye my hair blue when I was 14 without telling my parents." Cas smirked at the memory. "She said she'd been meaning to call me, see how I was, asked if we could get together sometime for coffee. Of course I agreed, I missed my sister, but when I met her at the cafe she noticed my eye was - pretty scarred up. She knew something was wrong. The look on her face was all it took for me to get out of there. I'm still trying to understand how bad it really was, because it was pretty normal for people to treat me like that. Seeing Anna again made me realize that I deserve better, that I'm better than that, so the next night I packed up what I had left of myself and I left."

   Cas raised his head to look Dean in the eyes, bright with adoration. "Wow." His breath was hot on Cas's lips. He trailed a hand down Cas's cheek sweetly. "You're amazing." Cas didn't know what he'd been expecting, but he guessed it wasn't that. He was surprised when Dean kissed him so gently that a hurricane of butterflies lit up in his stomach. He felt Dean's hands thread through the hair above his neck, his other palm cup his cheek, the rough pad of Dean's thumb rubbing over his skin lightly. Cas shuddered at the touch. "Thank you for telling me that. You know you didn't have to." 

   Cas closed his eyes and let out a long, relieved breath. "I know."

   "Is there more to the story?"

   "Of course there is."

   "Do you want to tell me?"

   "Sure, this is the good part." He huddled closer to Dean, playing with his thick fingers. "I moved in with Anna for a little while, and once I was physically healed, I took some time to just do things I enjoyed and take care of myself, trying to re-learn what it's like to be okay. I painted, I read, I wrote, I watched weird movies, I went to concerts, I slept a lot, I had a healthy diet, I took a lot of bubble baths, I relaxed as much as I could. I decided a few months ago that I should get a low-stress job, something I liked, so I ended up with a part time job at the library in town that I work at now. Eventually, after a few long talks and Anna's approval, I moved out and got my own place. It was kinda rough, living by myself, but I was careful to take care of myself and it's really not so hard anymore. I kept doing the things I loved. And one night at this concert, I really screwed up." Dean's eyebrows furrowed as he stared intently at Cas. He gave Dean a sad look. "I was in a mosh pit, and I totally elbowed this really hot guy right in the face, and his nose was bleeding, and -" Dean was laughing now - "The very first thing I thought was, 'Just my luck, I elbowed the hottest guy in a ten mile radius!" Dean was doubled over laughing at that, and Cas ran his hand over Dean's back, relishing the sound. 

   Dean sat up and slid his arm around Cas, his face bright red, and Cas couldn't help but smile at the joy on Dean's face. "Did you really think that?"

   "Do I look like I'm fucking shitting you?" Cas's tone was hard but he kissed Dean as the blonde man laughed until he couldn't breathe. 

   Dean pulled away first. "So, do you wanna order pizza?"

   Cas grinned. He just dumped out his entire story on this guy he'd elbowed in a mosh pit not two or three days ago, and his immediate reaction was to order pizza. _Goddamn._ "Sure, Dean. I'm starving." He gave a gummy grin at his boyfriend and bounced off the couch to get the phone.

   "Would you get us some booze while you're in there! I don't care what kind, I think this calls for some celebration!"

 

***

 

   Of course, Cas had grabbed the whiskey. He loved whiskey. And he knew Dean loved whiskey. He didn't drink it too often, it was much too expensive for that, so he grabbed it when he saw several full bottles of Jack in Dean's pantry. That had been about two hours ago, movies long forgotten. They sat on the couch, just chatting it up and laughing too much in a bit of a drunken stupor. Dean contorted his face into an odd look. "Cas, what did you do in college, anyway?"

   Cas blushed, maybe from something other than the alcohol. "I was a literature major. I wanted to be a teacher," he said shyly.

   "Oh my god, that's so cute. You would be a great teacher," Dean slurred. He might've had a bit more to drink than Cas had yet.

   "Here Cas, I'm drinking this all by myself, have some!" He handed the bottle to Cas, forgoing the glass on the coffee table in front of him. Cas obliged. He hadn't been drunk since... fuck, he couldn't remember. He tipped the bottle up and took a long chug, relishing that familiar fire in his throat, and handed it back to Dean. "No, no, you need to have some. I have already had so much of it, you have some too, Cas, you're barely drunk and I've had plenty to drink already." Cas took it and finished off the bottle in one fell swoop, against his better judgement.

   "Damn, I've _never_ seen someone chug whiskey like that." Dean's rosy cheeks were absolutely adorable, and Cas gave his best gummy grin at the childlike joy on Dean's face. 

   "Well, we haven't known each other long enough yet, Dean." Dean laughed a little too loud and a little too long.

   "I guess you're right, it sure hasn't been forever yet, you know." Dean left sloppy kisses on Cas's cheek. Cas trailed kisses down Dean's neck. The buzz was finally starting to really hit him, he let his eyes flutter closed for a second. He rubbed his stubbled cheek against Dean's clean shaven one. He had slowly been losing his grip on reality, and finally just let it go. The room got a little blurrier after that.

   Dean retrieved another bottle from the kitchen and somehow managed not to injure himself in his trek from the couch to the kitchen and back, and he insisted that Cas have as much as he wanted. His better judgement was a thing of the past as he chugged some more, feeling the comforting fire deep in his belly. He lost control of his tongue. "Dean, can I stay here tonight? I like you a lot."

   Dean beamed, his eyes glassy. "Sure Cas! He left a wet kiss on Cas's nose. "I can't wait to wake up to you tomorrow." Dean cuddled closer to Cas, leaving the whiskey on the coffee table and pulling Cas in close to him. Cas was giggling and Dean's affection, letting his fingers trail under Dean's shirt, making him shiver. 

   Dean's breath was hot against his ear when he whispered, "I think I might love you, Castiel Novak." 

   Cas sobered up a tiny bit then. They'd only known each other a few days. As happy as they were together, still it was almost scary. He swigged a little more liquid courage and decided to let it go, he was too drunk to be concerned and decided on telling the truth. "I think I might love you too, Dean Winchester."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it! Keep leaving ideas in the comments, I wanna know what you want out of this story! 
> 
> Comments and kudos are the breath in my lungs!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "CAS CAS CAS CAS OH MY GOD YOU WILL NEVER GUESS WHAT!" Cas had picked up his phone with a grin and was immediately barraged with Dean's almost-screaming.  
>  "Oh my god Dean, what?" He shouted back, half-angry, half-excited.  
>  "FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH IS GONNA BE IN CHICAGO THIS WEEKEND AND MY BROTHER HOOKED ME UP WITH TWO TICKETS!"  
>  Cas almost dropped his phone. "Are you shitting me right now? Dean Winchester, I swear to sweet fuck if this is a joke-"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is gonna be a little more fun :) But the best is yet to come.

   "CAS CAS CAS CAS OH MY GOD YOU WILL NEVER GUESS WHAT!" Cas had picked up his phone with a grin and was immediately barraged with Dean's almost-screaming.

   "Oh my god Dean, what?" He shouted back, half-angry, half-excited.

   "FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH IS GONNA BE IN CHICAGO THIS WEEKEND AND MY BROTHER HOOKED ME UP WITH TWO TICKETS!"

   Cas almost dropped his phone. "Are you shitting me right now? Dean Winchester, I swear to sweet fuck if this is a joke-"

   "Cas, of course it's not, and oh my god, we're going to a Five Finger Death Punch concert!" The noise that came out of the phone then was definitely not human.

   "Dean? Dean are you okay?"

   "Cas, I am so much better than okay. My place or yours tonight?" Dean always asked, and it always warmed Cas's heart when he did. Dean had never been Cas's apartment because he didn't want to get too attached just yet, but after Dean's reaction to the nasty stuff he kept in the closet, Cas wanted to change that. He still had his reservations, but they'd only just met, and it felt right.

   "My place." His lips curled into a small smile, but he knew Dean could still hear it through the phone.

   "Where do you live?" Castiel quickly game him directions to his shitty apartment in the cheapest part of town.

   "I'll see you after you get off work?"

   "Definitely. See ya, Cas."

***

 

   Cas spent about twenty minutes frantically cleaning his apartment when he remembered that he was smart enough to date a guy who did not give a shit if the only thing in the fridge was day old pizza and his bedroom floor was littered with clothes. He sarcastically gave himself a mental pat on the back. _Nice job, Novak. He's hot, too._

   Cas was checking the thermostat and hygrometer on Gus's cage when he heard sharp knocking on his door. "I'll be back in a minute, babe," he told Gus, and bounced off to get the door. 

   "Hey Cas, you look... like you've been in a frenzy." Dean made an attempt to smooth down Castiel's wild hair, knowing that his efforts were for naught. 

   "Wow, you sure know how to flatter a guy. Get your ass in here." Dean grinned and blushed lightly. Cas knew he loved it when he talked to him like that.

   "Beer?"

   "Sure." Cas grabbed two cold ones from the fridge and sat on his lumpy, discolored couch. 

   "So this is it. There's not much here, but it's home, I guess." he gestured sarcastically to his mess of an apartment.

   "What the hell Cas, you live here, it's nice. You should've seen where I lived after I dropped out of high school."

   "You can't just say that and not tell me the story." Dean sipped his beer and smiled around the mouth of the bottle.

   "Long story short, my dad was an ass, and my little brother Sammy needed to get through school right, so I got custody of him, dropped out of high school, picked up three jobs, and that was my life." Cas's eyes widened a bit at this information. 

   "Damn." Cas muttered.

   "Yeah, well, welcome to my life." Dean took a swig of beer. "Sammy's a smart kid, he was going places and I wasn't. He's at Stanford now, studying law. He's the one that hooked us up with those tickets."

   "And what happens next?"

   "Sammy went off to Stanford, and I was living alone. My dad died in a car accident a few months ago, I found a job at Singer's Auto with Bobby, and then this douche elbowed me in the face at this concert, and the first thing I thought was, "Sonuvabitch, I'm gonna rip that motherfucker to shreds." He chuckled, and they both took a drink.

   "And why didn't you rip that sorry bastard apart? He did elbow you in your pretty face."

   "I looked up, and I saw his eyes." Dean was quiet for a moment, his brow furrowed, hesitant about something.

   "Spit it out, Winchester."

   "I saw his eyes, and I thought, 'so help me god if I don't marry that man someday.'" He kept his eyes glued to the floor.

   Cas didn't know what to make of that. They'd known each other for no more than a few days. This was the first time Dean had ever been in his apartment. Hell, they'd had sex a limited number of times. He didn't know what to do, but he wasn't... _entirely_ opposed to the idea or anything. Dean was a good guy. So he let his dick do the talking, as usual. He curled his fingers under Dean's chin and pulled him into a hot kiss. He pushed him down on the couch the way he knew Dean liked, and he bashed his head on the end table. "Fuckin-"

   "Oh fuck, I'm so sorry, fuck, here..." Cas wrapped a hand around the back of Dean's neck and pulled him up. "Yeah, I guess my couch is way too small for sex. Dammit. Or maybe you're just too tall."

   Dean leaned up to kiss him again, grabbing his collar. "Bedroom?"

   Cas stood up and pulled Dean with him. Once Dean was on his feet, he hooked his arms under Dean's knees and around his shoulders and carried him, princess style.

   "Holy shit- damn Cas, I knew you were strong, but holy shit!"

   "My father was a carpenter. I was expected to do the family business."

   "Damn, that is so fucking hot, please manhandle me until I can't sit down for a week." He leaned up to wrap his arms around Cas's neck and kissed him. 

   Cas grinned. "With pleasure."

   They crossed the threshold into Cas's room, Dean chuckling at the mess, and - " _What the fuck is that?!_ "

   "Whoa, calm down, that's Gus! It's okay!"

   Dean was staring down a ball python in a glass enclosure six feet away from him. Thank god, it wasn't near the bed. He hopped down from Cas's arms and knelt in front of the snake, then gave Cas a look. "What the fuck, Cas." He got so close Cas was sure he was going to press his nose against the glass like a five year old. "That is fucking awesome." When he turned to Cas, he was wide eyed. "Can he get out?"

   "No, I promise he cannot get out. I guess I should've introduced you two before I dragged you in here to fuck... Dean, this is Augustus, also known as Gus, he is a two year old ball python, he is completely harmless, he is not venomous, he loves meeting new people, and I'm sure he's going to love you."

   "He really can't get out?"

   "He really can't get out, Dean."

   "Damn you're awesome." Dean pulled him back into a searing kiss and forgot all about Augustus while he was getting his brains fucked out.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vocabulary lesson:   
> Thermostat: controls temperature  
> Hygrometer: measures humidity  
> I do actually have a ball python named Augustus. He's a year old, he's very sweet, and he's not at all dangerous. I thought Cas would be the type to have one. :)  
> Comments and kudos are the breath in my lungs! Let me know what you want out of this story!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sleeping form next to him rolled over and curled his limbs around Cas's body and dropped a sloppy kiss on Cas's forehead. "Good morning, beautiful."  
> Cas's voice was groggy and muffled when he pushed his forehead into Dean's chest. "Shove it up your ass, Winchester."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter went in a totally different direction than I thought it would. I hope you like it!  
> *tw, Cas panics in this chapter, and it's pretty descriptive, please be careful!*

   Hammers pounded against Cas's head when he came to the next morning. _What the hell even happened to me?_ Slowly, he brought bits and pieces of last night together. _This body next to me is definitely Dean_. He curled himself around Dean without opening his eyes, burrowing his head into Dean's side. _Definitely Dean_. There was definitely alcohol. _That would be the pounding in my head. I must've had more to drink than I thought._ He slowly put the pieces together. _Oh my god, he said he wanted to marry me._ His eyes flew open wide. _That's... that's really fucking scary. Okay don't freak out, don't freak out. What the hell?_

   The sleeping form next to him rolled over and curled his limbs around Cas's body and dropped a sloppy kiss on Cas's forehead. "Good morning, beautiful."

   Cas's voice was groggy and muffled when he pushed his forehead into Dean's chest. "Shove it up your ass, Winchester."

   Dean's laugh rumbled through his body, and Cas felt it deep in his gut. The arms around him tightened, thick fingers splayed over his back.

   Cas started effectively freaking out. Cas wasn't a morning person, but it woke him up rather quickly. "Hey, I uh, I have to go to work today. We're doing some cataloging stuff, and the staff really needs me, and -" Cas tried his best to wriggle out of Dean's arms, and lied through his teeth. He needed out of there, fast, he needed a goddamn cigarette, and he needed some space.

   Dean's arms loosened, and he rubbed his green eyes open. "I thought you were taking some time off? Why were you doing that, anyway?"

   Cas was frantically pulling clothes on and digging through the mess in his room to find his black vans. "We talked about this already, and they need me right now, so I'm just gonna-"

   "I know, but you said you were getting better." He tried to be as sensitive as possible, with a soft tone, Cas knew he wasn't trying to pry. But he was already freaking out, and it was getting a little harder to breathe, and he felt boxed in, and _where are my goddamn cigarettes_.

   "Can we please just talk about this later?" Cas sighed and let his eyes fall closed, his tone was way too harsh, and he hadn't meant to sound that way. "I'm sorry I just snapped at you, I didn't mean for it to sound like that. Can we just-" _You deserve to have something good, Castiel. You do._

   "Sure, babe. It's okay." Dean rolled out of bed and lightly placed his hands on Cas's hips. "It's okay. Should I visit you at work today? Would that be okay?" He sought Cas's eyes, and his tone was so soft that it made Cas's heart hurt.

   "That might not be a good idea today?" Cas almost wanted to cry, but not in front of Dean. He nuzzled his face into Dean's neck and breathed in the comforting scent. "Look, I really gotta go, okay?" Cas started backing out the door. "Your place tonight, pizza's on me?"

   Dean's smile seemed a little broken, but he smiled nonetheless. "If that'll make you happy, Cas."

   Cas left, maybe a little too quickly, and lit up a cigarette between his lips the moment he got outside. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and tried to slow his heart rate, it had been skyrocketing only a moment ago. _You're outside, there is plenty of air out here, everything is okay, no one is going to hurt you_ \- He chanted his anxiety mantras in his mind to soothe himself, leveling his breathing as best he could.

   He breathed in the sweet smoke and started walking. He intended to walk for the better part of the day. He pushed his anxieties and insecurities aside, as well as his worries about what he'd say to Dean later. Those things he could deal with later. He needed time to get himself right, alone, and he was taking it. _You should call Anna._ He knew he should. He looked at his phone. 8:32 a.m. _I can call Anna later. Let's just breathe for a while._

 

***

 

   "Hey, Anna."

   Castiel approached the shorter redheaded girl at a coffee shop where they often met. Her smile always lit up the room, she was so beautiful. She wrapped her thin arms around him and held him tight.

   "Hello, Castiel! How have you been doing?" She held his arms and inspected his face. He couldn't help but smile down at her.

   "I've been okay. Better than okay."

   Her lovely green eyes lit up, and reminded him of Dean's. "That's wonderful! Here, sit, sit. I already ordered your usual."

   Cas had called Anna when he knew she would have a lunch break at her job at a nearby mom-and-pop bookstore. She loved books and reading as much as Castiel always had. 

   "Tell me, how's life, how are you?" She sat with him and listened intently.

   "I've been doing good. I took a little time off from the library for myself. I was starting to have nightmares again, and I was always so bone tired, I thought maybe I was taking on too many hours, so I decided to back off for a while."

   Anna's delicate brow knitted together when she heard that he'd been having nightmares again, but she seemed to understand and be content with her brother taking time off to look out for himself. Cas knew she was so proud of him for all the progress he's made recently.

   "And what have you been up to?"

   Cas blushed and immediately felt stupid, he's a grown man and he shouldn't blush talking about some guy like he's a goddamn teenage girl. "I met someone."

   Anna seemed to go through a series of emotion, first deep concern, then hesitant happiness. "What's he like?"

   "Well, I accidentally elbowed him in the face in a mosh pit a few days ago, and I helped him clean up, and we've been, I don't know, hanging out ever since."

   "Well that's exciting. What does he do, what's his name?" Anna drank some of her hot chocolate - he knew it was hot chocolate, because Anna hated coffee. She always ordered hot chocolate, even in the middle of a burning July, she insisted on it.

   "His name's Dean, he's a mechanic at Singer's Auto, you know...?"

   "Yeah, I know the one! The blonde one, with the lip ring?"

   Cas grinned. He was so fond of that damn lip ring. "That's the one."

   Anna was beaming again. "I got my tires changed there a few months ago, he seems very nice. I guess all the piercings would make him your type." She wiggled her eyebrows a little and Cas laughed a little too hard.

   "He's sweet, Anna. And he likes Gus. I guess now if Gus likes him back, he'll have to stick around for a while." He gave a gummy smile and Anna laughed at him. _God I've missed you._

   Her eyes went wide. " _Are_ you thinking of keeping him around for a while, Castiel?"

   He thought on that for a moment. He'd been searching his thoughts, and wasn't at all surprised at what he found. "I don't know. I think so. I'm just... scared."

   Anna took her brother's hand. "And that's okay. You don't have to be ready for a relationship right now. I know this is your first try after what happened, and if you're not ready now, then eventually you will be. Don't worry, just take your time. There's absolutely no reason to rush. And if this _Dean_ cares about you, he'll understand." Cas met her eyes, and she smiled reassuringly.

   "You're right. You always are." He took a swig of coffee. "He's a good guy, and I think I can do this, I just... think we're moving fast. We were a little tipsy last night and he mentioned that when he first saw me, he thought he should marry me, and when I woke up this morning, I might have freaked out a little bit and told him I had to work today, and I don't. And the other night we were drinking, I don't even remember what, and it was pretty late, and he told me he might love me and I said it back and I didn't even remember that until today because we were pretty drunk and I just pretended like it never happened, and I don't really know what to think of that, and it's kind of scary because I think I might really love him, and what the hell is wrong with me because we've only known each other a few days and if you think about it we barely know each other and he's really sweet and everything but what if I screw it up like last time."

   Anna just listened patiently while Castiel dumped out all his hopes and fears. He looked at her with wide, childlike eyes, unsure of himself.

   "Castiel, look at me." She took hold of his chin firmly. "What happened last time is not your fault. It never has been. It never will be. What he did to you was awful. You do not deserve that kind of treatment. You deserve to be loved and cherished by someone who appreciates you. What he did was make his own awful choices. You did not do that."

   Castiel gulped and nodded. That was a difficult thing to learn, after being treated like trash. Understanding that it's not your fault, and that you deserve better. He tried so hard, but some days he just couldn't believe that.

   "If this Dean really cares about you, he will do his best to understand what you're going through. He won't treat you like that. And he'll give you space if you need it. I'm sure if you talk to him about it, there's no need to lie to him to try to get some space. Just talk to him. And if you want to keep him around, then do it. But only if Gus likes him." She smiled sweetly, and Castiel's fears vanished. "Maybe slowing down is a good idea, if it's scaring you right now. Talk to Dean about it. Just go on little dates, just hang out, like you have been. There's no need to figure out whether or not you love him, just get to know each other. Be around each other. And if it works out and you fall in love and get happily ever after together, then that's what happens. If not, you heal, and you try again. It's okay."

   "Thank you, Anna. You always know what to say."

 

***

 

   "Hello, Dean."

   Dean smiled carefully and let Cas in the door. "Hey Cas, what's up?"

   "Not much." He stopped where he stood and pulled a pack of cigarettes from his coat pocket. "Smoke?"

   "Sure." 

   Cas gave Dean a light when they got outside and leaned on the brick ledge on the front of the apartment building. He took a long drag and let his eyes wander. "Are you okay?"

   "Yeah, I'm okay." He puffed some smoke while deciding how to go on. "Look, I didn't have to work today. I'm sorry I freaked out this morning, I just got scared, and I panicked, and when I panic I really need space, and I-" He was rambling now, the words speeding up as they poured out.

   "Cas, hey. Look at me." He raised his head to find Dean's eyes. "It's okay. I know a panic attack when I see one, and I didn't want to invade your space too much. You can just ask for some space if you want it, you don't have to lie. I'm not mad or anything, I just want you to feel like you can talk to me. If you need space, I'll give it to you."

   Cas's heart swelled almost painfully, and he hugged Dean tight, burying his face in Dean's neck, and felt long, thick arms wrap around him tightly. Dean's fingers found their way into Cas's hair.

   "Can we slow down a little and just take our time? There's no rush. We can go to concerts and eat pizza at all hours of the night and just get to know each other, you know?"

   "Sure Cas, I thought that was what we were doing." Dean turned his head slightly to kiss the tip of Cas's ear.

   "I mean, when we get drunk we kinda end up saying things..."

   "I didn't think you remembered that. I'm sorry if I-"

   "No, hey, it's okay, I just, I don't want to mess this up. And I don't want to move fast. You're the first person I've been with since Balthazar, and I just want to be careful."

   Dean held him tighter and burrowed his face into Cas's hair. "Definitely, Cas. Just tell me what you need."

   Cas didn't want to move, so he didn't, for quite a while, until his cigarette had long burned out, and Dean's arms didn't loosen their grip around him. When he finally pulled away, he wiped the unspilled tears from his eyes quickly and kissed Dean. "Right now, I need pizza, pronto."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you loved it! Leave me comments and kudos! <3 xx


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Holy shit, Dean."  
>  "What?" Dean blushed. "I'm kinda particular about my makeup."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a wild ride! Hope you enjoy :)  
> *Men in makeup (if you don't like that you should've left a long time ago), an abundance of badassery, recreational drug use, illegal activity*  
> Leave your thoughts in the comments!

   "Holy shit, Dean."

   "What?" Dean blushed. "I'm kinda particular about my makeup."

   Cas and Dean stood in the tiny bathroom of Dean's apartment a few hours before they planned to leave for the Five Finger Death Punch concert in Chicago. They had yet to do their makeup, wanting to look as badass as possible with fresh eyeliner, lipstick, the whole nine yards, for the concert. Cas didn't usually go all out with his makeup, usually just tracing some eyeliner on and maybe putting on lipstick when he was feeling bold. He usually reserved it for special times like this. Cas stared down at the wide, shallow drawer, with all of Dean's makeup meticulously organized. He had several different tubes of lipstick in varying shades of black and navy blue in a perfect line in one compartment, several different brands and types of eyeliner, most of it liquid. Cas had suspected as much. How one became a master of liquid eyeliner, he would never know.

   Dean watched him closely as he inspected the collection. Cas stole a glance at him - he looked awfully uncomfortable, like having his makeup drawer inspected was the equivalent of being caught naked or something. He turned his attention back to the drawer, careful not to let his face give anything away. He sighed, rubbed a hand over his face for dramatic effect, and started searching the dresser nearby. The look on Dean's face turned questioning, and Cas silently held up a finger. Finally he found what he was looking for and yanked out a towel, hanging it over the only mirror in the room. Dean's brow was furrowed, but he decided against speaking. Cas let his fingers flutter over the foundations, deciding which one to use. Finally he chose one, then compared it to different shades of lipstick and eyeliner, keeping in mind what Dean planned on wearing later to the concert. Satisfied with all of his choices, he grabbed Dean's chin gently. "Hold still."

   Dean's lips curled into a smirk, finally realizing what was going on, and Cas smacked his ass. "You literally have one job right now, and that is to hold still. Wipe the stupid fucking smirk off your face Winchester, or I swear to god..."

   "Hey, hey now, no need to get hostile!" Dean closed his eyes and pursed his lips sarcastically, and Cas moved closer and grabbed Dean's dick this time instead. He let out a strangled whimper, eyes flying wide open to find Cas's blue ones close in front of him.

   "I said _hold still_."

   Dean held still.

   Cas set to work, applying pale foundation, blending in all the right places, and priming his lips and eyelids. He carefully painted on Dean's eyeliner, a little thicker than he normally would have, then moved to his lips, covering them in a navy blue so dark it was almost black, the most expensive brand Dean had and one Cas hadn't seen him wear often. He'd often forgo makeup, working at the garage, but when he got off the clock he'd apply something cheaper and blacker, just because he wanted to. "Perfect." Cas smiled a bit smugly, hand on his hip, admiring his own handiwork on his gorgeous model.

   "Can I look at it?" Dean opened his eyes, and Cas had been right - that eyeliner made his eyes look much brighter than the usual cheap color he wore.

   "No, fuckface! Your turn now." Cas was a tad bit, _okay a lot_ , self conscious, when he sat his own makeup bag on the counter. It was old, made of clear material, and therefore looked completely nasty, because all kinds of makeup was smeared on the inside of it. Most of his makeup was cheap and old, with only one nice bottle of liquid eyeliner that he was afraid to use, because he was sure it was expensive. It was part of a Christmas gift from Anna, which had also included a leather jacket and a studded dog collar she knew Cas would love.

   Dean looked at him from under a furrowed brow like he was crazy. He looked to the bag, and then back to Cas. "There is no fucking way on this goddamn planet that I am even _touching_ that bag, not to mention putting any of that shit _on my boyfriend's face_."

   It was Cas's turn to blush. "This is pretty much... uh... all I have..." He lowered his gaze to the floor sheepishly.

   "Well, you're using mine," Dean straightened and said resolutely, leaving absolutely no room for argument. "Close your eyes."

   Cas listened to Dean rummaging around in his makeup, felt different bottles and tubes brush lightly across his face as Dean decided what to use. Once he felt the pad of Dean's thumb brush across his jaw, and Cas shuddered in delight, cheeks surely tinging slightly red. And then he felt the soft kiss of a foundation brush across his cheekbones; powder foundation, he was sure. A cloth-like texture met his skin lightly, blending and spreading the foundation over the edges of his face, ensuring nothing less than perfection. Something cold and a little stiff ran over his eyelids. Liquid eyeliner. He wondered how he would look once Dean was done with him, being an apparent professional hard ass about any kind of makeup. Thick, rough finger pads touched the underside of his chin lightly, tilting his face up just slightly. He was surprised at the soft brush that hit his lips- only real professionals used brushes for their lipstick. _Well, and I guess real hard asses use them, too._

   "Open your eyes, sleeping beauty." Dean was closer in Cas's personal space than he thought, and opened his eyes to find green just in front of him. He leaned in to kiss Dean, and he jerked back immediately. "Are you fucking crazy? I don't know what shade you used on my lips, and your lips aren't dry yet, so just back the fuck up for a second." His eyes were wide as he stared at Cas. " _Jesus Christ_ ," he muttered. _Wow. Okay, a_ real _hard ass about makeup._ Dean reached for the towel that covered the mirror, then thought to check with Cas first. "May I, princess?" Cas just nodded, raising his eyebrow as the 'princess' comment dangerously. When he moved the towel, Cas couldn't stop staring at himself in the mirror. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched Dean's reflection touch his own cheek gingerly.

   "Goddamn," they said in unison.

   "You did an amazing job, Cas. We're gonna look badass at this concert." Dean turned to Cas, who was still staring at himself in the mirror, leaning in closer to inspect the details. Dean started looking a bit insecure, shifting his weight around. "Do you... like it?" Cas turned to Dean, expressionless.

   "Dean, where did you learn to do makeup like this? You must've had some kind of professional training." His entire face looked like it'd been flawlessly photo shopped. Not an imperfection to be found. Without any kind of powdering besides foundation, every contour was highlighted in a way that made him look pretty badass. With the small palette Dean had to work with out of his tiny bathroom, he'd matched shades perfectly, his lips a beautiful shade of black. Anyone else would just see black on black on black without any kind of difference, but it makes all the difference in the world to punks, who see the entire world in shades of black. Punk makeup is a difficult art to learn, it's too easy to make a person look like a ghost with a black eye. Dean still hadn't answered him. "Dean."

   "My mom used to be a professional makeup artist, she lived in Hollywood and made actors look dashing and actresses prettier and monsters scarier. When I was 13, I stole my mom's eyeliner to figure out how to use it, because I couldn't just go to a store and get some, people would think I was gay, and this was back when I still thought I was straight. I didn't wanna be a cross dresser or anything, I just saw these punk dudes and wanted to be like them, knew that I wanted that, always dressed in black and spiked my hair, so I stole some of my mom's eyeliner to avoid embarrassment. She found me with it, and she just smiled at me, didn't let me explain, and she taught me everything she knew."

   "Wow, cool mom you got."

   "Damn straight." Dean smiled and ran his hand through his hair a few times, trying to mess it up the way he wanted. "We better get on the road, punk rock waits for no one."

 

***

 

   Cas really couldn't hear anything. He saw Dean's mouth moving next to him in the car, and he just stared, and put his hand on Dean's thigh, pointing at his blown ears and shaking his head. They'd gotten there early enough, with VIP tickets, to dive into the mosh pit so close to the stage that Jason Hook, the lead guitarist, actually sweated on them a few times. In result, Cas really couldn't hear anything. Dean just nodded in understanding, and waited for Cas's hearing to come back. As they rolled down the highway at some stupid hour of the morning in Dean's sleek black Impala, his hearing gradually came back to him. He went ahead and took some medicine, because fuck if he didn't have the head ache to end all head aches the next morning, or even before he tried to sleep that night.

   The Impala's thunderous roar grew slightly louder in his ears as they drove on, and eventually Cas could hear the click of the mechanism when Dean shifted gears. There was still a high-pitched ringing in his ears that was louder than everything else, but in his experience, the amount of hearing he had at that point was the best it was going to get for quite a while.

   "I think I'm mostly good, Dean." He still spoke a little too loudly, but Dean understood.

   "You tired?" Dean stole a glance at Cas to appraise his features. "Amazingly, no. Still got the adrenaline going."

   "I got some grass and some spray paint in the back, if you wanna hot box in an alley somewhere and graffiti some shit with me."

   "You just carry spray paint around in your trunk? You paint a lot of shit, Dean?" His smirk was sideways and a little crazy.

   "Oh, you know, I just like to be prepared." Dean's small smile was dangerous, and Cas nearly melted when he winked at him. _Just... hot damn_.

   Dean found turned into one of the nicer ghettos of the city, looking for taller buildings that would hopefully have alleys and no street lights. "Hey, see those buildings up there? Look between them when we drive by." Cas knew what he was up to. If there were any drug deals going down in that alley, it would look suspicious for a big black car to slow down and take its time passing by the alley. Passing by first and checking the place was a helluva lot safer, because you know, drug dealers and everything. Dean didn't slow down as they passed the alley, and Cas got a good look- it was dark, silent, and vacant.

   "All clear."

   Dean turned the car around at the end of the street and drove back to the same alley, turning in and parking the car. Cas watched Dean's ass sway as he hopped out of the car and popped the trunk to grab the weed. He was back in a heart beat, locking the doors and making sure all the windows were rolled up tight. "You wanna hot box, or...? I mean, there's only two of us, we could roll the windows down and pass a joint if you wanted..."

   "Well, we might have to haul ass outta here at some point, and you better not get too stoned to get us home."

   "Yeah, you're right. Here, come with me." Dean hopped out of the car again and popped open the trunk, Cas in tow. An array of spray paint cans lay before them in all different colors and brands, and -

   "Damn, I knew I was keeping you around for something." Cas yanked Dean into a bruising kiss and then started sorting through some of the colors. Dean opened the back door and sat in to roll one. Cas straightened as Dean came back with a joint, and gently placed his thumb and forefinger on Cas's chin, separating Cas's lips. Dean stepped into his personal space, staring into his eyes, and kissed him softly before placing the joint between his lips. Cas smiled around it, and Dean lit him up. He took a short puff, and handed the joint to Dean, continuing his appraisal of his spray paint collection. He chose a few colors and set to work.

   Dean wrapped his arms around Cas's waist from behind, pulling the joint from his lips and puffing smoke near Cas's ear, causing him to shiver. "Whatcha drawin, buttercup?" Dean nipped the tip of his ear, and Cas melted under Dean's attention. He felt something in him, something light, familiar- he was having fun. He'd been happy plenty, sure, but having real, good fun? Cas had a hard time with that sometimes, as hard as he tried to make his entire life one big smart ass joke. The danger and recklessness just added to the thrill.

   He smiled and nuzzled into Dean's head slightly. "Guess you're just gonna have to wait and find out, princess," he said smugly. Dean placed the joint between his lips again, and he started feeling the kind of _good_ that came with a joint. Dean slapped his ass, leaving Cas half-chuckling, half-giggling, turning, and - he stopped. His eyes grew wide and he put the joint out, stealing the spray paint out of Cas's hand and shoving him the car.

   "What the-" Then Cas heard it too, the sound of sirens. He wouldn't normally worry about it, they were in a ghetto of Chicago, after all, but the sirens were getting closer and he and Dean both had jobs to keep. One night of a little fun for the two of them wasn't worth getting into it with the law.

   "Cops. Okay, let's go." Dean quipped before he could spit out the question. Cas's eyes widened too, his only thought, _oh shit_ , and hopped into the car. Dean started the car and tore out of the alley. Once he turned onto a different street, he slowed to the speed limit and began navigating his way out.

   "Hey, could you look back there and see if there's some cologne on the floor? It's a black bottle."

   "Found it." He found it rolling under the passenger's seat, retrieving it to hand it to Dean.

   "Spray some of that around, would you? If we get pulled over or something, best to just look like a douche instead of a douche with illegal substances."

   Cas did as he was told, spraying a rather disgusting amount of cologne in the car, on himself, and on Dean, drowning out the sickly sweet smell of marijuana. They had barely started in on the joint anyway, the smell wasn't as pungent as it would've been.

   "I realize I'm being a total sissy bitch right now, but I am so tired of cops and shit, and I have a job that I'd really like to keep."

   "No, hey, I would've reacted the same way." Cas twined their fingers together once Dean was back on the highway. Dean turned on some Zeppelin, with the volume low, and serenaded Cas in classic rock most of the way home. "You wanna stay at my place tonight?"

   "I sure as hell don't wanna drive home however the fuck late it is right now." Cas pressed a kiss to Dean's neck.

   "My place it is."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it! Leave me comments and kudos so I don't *completely* give up on life!  
> Thanks for reading <3 xx


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He felt something burn in his chest as he focused on the light, steady pitter-patter of Cas's heartbeat against his skin. Love. He knew he already loved this man, and though he hadn't meant to confess it while rather heavily intoxicated - it was much too soon for that - he meant every word. Maybe it was a little crazy. Okay, a lot crazy. But he'd been lonely, and he hadn't felt this way - ever. He'd been in and out of love a few times, guys and girls alike, but none of them made him feel the pleasantly intense burn through his entire body that Cas made him feel so often. There was something rich and new about every single smile Cas let him see, something precious in those eyes that he couldn't let go of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Warning: Lots of angsty things! Abuse, mean nasty things! Be careful! Brace yourself!*  
> It's worth it, I promise!  
> Thanks for reading!

   Dean woke up slowly. He peeled his eyes open and found his room still dark, the absence of morning light coming through the window drawing a smile on his face. There was an adorable black mess of hair nuzzled into his chest, taking slow, even breaths, and he smiled down at it. He knew Cas was a heavy enough sleeper, so he let himself run his fingers over Cas's sides, tugged him closer where they were tangled up under the covers. Cas made a small, sleepy sound, and Dean froze. Shit I woke him up- Cas tightened his arms where they were wrapped around Dean, still asleep. _Phew_.

   He felt something burn in his chest as he focused on the light, steady _pitter-patter_ of Cas's heartbeat against his skin. _Love_. He knew he already loved this man, and though he hadn't meant to confess it while rather heavily intoxicated - it was much too soon for that - he meant every word. Maybe it was a little crazy. Okay, a lot crazy. But he'd been lonely, and he hadn't felt this way - ever. He'd been in and out of love a few times, guys and girls alike, but none of them made him feel the pleasantly intense burn through his entire body that Cas made him feel so often. There was something rich and new about every single smile Cas let him see, something precious in those eyes that he couldn't let go of. 

   "Dean?" Cas jerked closer to Dean in his sleep. "Dean! No! Don't-" Cas started trembling, his fingers digging into Dean's back. "Please! Dean..." His voice broke, and he started crying. Whatever kind of nightmare it was, Dean wouldn't have it. 

    "Cas, Cas, it's okay," he took his boyfriend's shoulders and held them firmly, whispering in his ear and speaking softly, showering him in feather-light kisses. "Cas, listen, it's me, it's okay. Wake up, baby. It's okay. Shhhh..." Cas tried to jerk away from his grip. Dean wouldn't let him go, but he wouldn't be rough with him either, refused to raise his voice. "Cas, baby..." Dean ran his hands over the knobs in Cas's spine, over his shoulder blades, trying to comfort him.

    "Dean no! NO!" He shoved at Dean with astonishing force and held his hands in front of his face, like someone cowering away from a ball speeding at their face, or a vampire from the sun. "No! You're not like him, I know it! Don't- Dean!" His voice broke to a whimper, and Dean took hold of his hands where they held their defensive position. 

    "Shhh, Cas, baby, it's me, it's okay, you're safe here in bed with me and everything's okay, shhh..." He rubbed soothing circles with the pads of his thumbs over Cas's wrists, held him gently, brought his hands down to rest on the bed. He stroked the back of Cas's hands flat onto the sheets, and he seemed to calm willingly. "See, everything's okay baby, shhh, it's okay. I'm here with you. You're safe." He stroked a loving hand over Cas's hair, his ear, his jaw. "Come here baby, you're okay." Dean was cautious as he reached out to touch Cas's side, snaking his arm around him and tucking his body back into his chest, wrapping his arms securely around him. "Everything's okay, baby. You're safe here." He nuzzled his chin the hair on top of Cas's chin, stroking his back slowly. 

   Cas tensed just slightly in his grip. "Dean?"

    "I'm right here, baby. It's okay." He ran his fingers through Cas's adorable bedhead soothingly, moving to drop a kiss on top of his head. He felt a silent tear meet his chest, and then another, Cas's lip trembling slightly against his skin. "Oh, baby. It's okay." He soothed Cas the best he knew how, pulling him close and giving kind, small touches, speaking softly. "Can I sing you a song?"

    Cas was still for a moment, a few tears falling at once against Dean's chest, and then nodded a few times, his nose brushing Dean's chest gently. He buried his face in Dean's chest further and wept.

   " _Hey Jude,_

_Don't make it bad,_

_Take a sad song,_

_And make it better..._ "

    Dean sang the song to him over and over while Cas cried in his arms. His heart hurt, but he felt like this was all he could do. His mother used to sing him that song, when he was a baby, and even once he'd grown up - hell, she sang it to him as Dean cried through his last breakup. To him, it was the sound of pure comfort, and he hoped Cas heard it in his voice. 

    Cas's crying slowed, and gradually, his eyes dried, and he grew still in Dean's embrace. He wiggled down further under the covers to look Cas in the eyes. His face was red, his nose a little runny, his blue eyes broken, and Dean's heart ached. "Do you wanna talk about it?" He ran a loving finger down Cas's cheek, to his jaw and his chin, and Cas shivered, eyes closing and leaning into the touch.

    "Yeah. This is why I was taking time off from the library." Cas seemed to have pulled himself together pretty quickly once he got the tears out. "I used to have them every night, but I played this music and always drank before I'd go to bed, and that seemed to keep the nightmares away, but they started coming back. It's just part of the healing process, I guess." Cas's voice quivered, and Dean tangled his fingers lightly in the hair on the back of Cas's head, trying to comfort him in a simple touch. "It's usually a memory- there are all kinds of different ones that come back to bite me, but this one... might be the worst one, honestly."

 

***

 

   "What the fuck do you think you're doing, you little cunt?"

    Cas froze in his tracks, heartbeat skyrocketing in a split second. He'd come home fifteen minutes late from work, most of the lights in the house were off, most of their neighbors were asleep. He'd had to stay late to help Eleanor moving some large shelves, but he stopped really trying to explain himself to Balthazar years ago. He shivered and turned to the sound of his voice. "I'm going to bed. It's late, come with me..." His voice was small, timid. Frightened.

    "Why the fuck would I get in bed with you? Where the hell have you been? You said you'd be home at least half an hour ago!" Cas flinched hard and clenched his eyes shut as Balthazar's flying hand made contact with a large vase on the nearby table, crashing into the wall and shattering. Cas shook. He knew the next one would probably be aimed at him, if he knew his boyfriend and his anger at all.

    Balthazar stared him down with dark, accusing eyes, taking slow steps forward. "What were you doing, Cassie? Out fucking some bastard like the whore you are? I sure hope you got some money out of it, you've been slacking around here. You don't pay the bills, you don't clean like I tell you to -" None of this was true, of course. All of Castiel's paycheck went to paying their ridiculously high bills - and none of Balthazar's. His usually went to cheap whores, strippers, and drugs while Castiel was at home scrubbing every inch of their house until his fingers bled. But that made no difference to Balthazar. 

    He was in Cas's space now, close enough to kiss. "Are you really that much of an entitled selfish bitch? I should put your ass on the streets, or better yet, just shoot you dead where you stand." His voice was quiet and even. Terrifying. Castiel forced himself to look Balthazar in the eyes; he knew the consequences if he failed to do so. "You don't deserve to live, especially not under my roof, you worthless whore. Put you out of your misery, that's what I should do."

   Something cold and hard pressed menacingly under his chin.

    _Click_.

    He knew what it was. He'd felt it before. Usually on his forehead, but he decided this was much, much worse. Loud angry is much easier to deal with than quiet angry. And he was quiet angry now. He was serious.

    When Cas spoke, he felt the gunmetal push harder into his skin. His voice came out in a sad whimper. "Baby, please, give me another chance-" 

    "Another fucking chance? Shut your bitch mouth for once!" Something cracked against Castiel's jaw, sent him reeling - the butt of the pistol that'd just been at his throat. The room grew fuzzy, and Castiel hit the unforgiving floor quickly. Some warm liquid ran down the side of his face, his throat. That feeling was familiar, he didn't have to touch it to know that he was bleeding, and pretty badly.

    Balthazar roared in rage, flipping the dining room table over, smashing almost all of their dishes in the process. He threw the gun - Castiel managed a silent sigh of relief - and watched Balthazar's fist go through the full-length mirror on the wall, shattering, adding to the fragmented mess of their plates on bowls on the floor. He approached Castiel again, gripping a thick, tight hand around his throat and jerking him off the ground. Cas's feet kicked in the air, but just slightly- he'd been here before, too, and he tried to find purchase on the floor without drawing attention to his efforts. His vision started to go dark, and Castiel was glad it would soon be over for the night, he could rest in peace for just a little while. 

    Though his voice came from far away, Balthazar's breath was hot on his ear. "You're my bitch, you hear me? No one else would ever want you, you should be grateful that I love you so much. You just make it so hard for me sometimes. Get it through your head. You could stay with me, forever. Don't fuck it up, or I'll kill you."

   The world went pleasantly black, and Castiel's limp body crumpled to the floor.

 

***

 

   Dean held Cas so tight he was afraid he might crush the poor guy's ribs. "Oh my god, Cas, I don't even know what to say, I'm so sorry." He cried profusely, staring at the brokenness still evident in Cas's eyes. Cas put on a small smile and wiped a thumb over Dean's face to stop some of the tears. "But why were you calling my name?

   Cas stared at his chest, avoiding his eyes. "Because it was your face. In the nightmare, it was your hand on my throat, your voice in my ear, your face. Your eyes." His eyes seemed lost, wherever they were.

    Dean took gentle hold of his face, smoothing his palms over Cas's cheeks. "I'm so sorry." He paused, trying to comprehend the pain that Castiel must've endured, years worth of memories just like that one. "Are you afraid of me... becoming like... him?" Dean's lip began to quiver. A dull ache had settled into his chest that didn't seem to be moving anytime soon.

    Cas stroked his hands over Dean's face and sighed. "I guess subconsciously I am; I'm afraid of being in a relationship like that again, I'm still afraid of Balthazar." His smile was the bravest Dean had ever seen. Hos voice came out in a whisper now. "But I know you would never, ever do something like that. I know you're not like him. You're different." Cas's eyes flooded with tears that seemed to be of a different kind. His smile started to look more genuine.

   Dean cradled Cas's palm in his hands, kissing it gently while tears flowed freely from his eyes. He kissed down each and every finger, over the pad of his thumb, over his wrist, down his arm, taking his time to love Cas right. He noticed for the first time tiny scars along Cas's arms, on his hands, even, that he'd never seen before. He thought of the vase and the mirror and he shuddered, paying special, sweet attention to each and every tiny scar. Dean's kisses became open mouthed on Cas's shoulder, sloppier, his hand running down Cas's side in a touch that was barely there. He couldn't tell Cas he loved him, so he determined to show him. He kissed over Cas's neck, placing his lips over Cas's face, relishing the way Cas leaned into his touch, pushed against his lips like he wanted more. He trailed his kisses over Cas's chest, purposely avoiding his nipples - he didn't want that right now, he didn't want Cas to think it was about that. It was about Cas. His lips continued over Cas's stomach, skirting his hips slightly and kissing his sides instead, down to his thighs. Dean wiggled further under the covers, and Cas pushed his legs forwards into Dean's embrace. He held his calves like they were fine China, because to Dean, they were. Dean kissed his feet, spending extra time there, hoping he'd understand how much he cared. He kissed the tip of each and every one of Cas's adorable little toes, wriggling under his affection. He thought he heard Cas spew a giggle, so he kissed the pads of his toes, too. Cas giggled a little louder, and for fear of being kicked in the face, he moved back up Cas's body, brushing his cheek over Cas's skin like he was made of gold. His hands fell on Cas's back, keeping him close. He laid his head on the sheets right in front of Cas, so close that his blue eyes were blurry right and their noses were barely touching. Cas was crying smiling, a shy smile, and his eyes were filled with tears again. Dean's smile vanished in a heart beat - "Cas, what's wrong, baby?" He moved to brush the tears away again.

    Cas grabbed his finger gingerly, stopping him, as several tears fell down his cheeks and splashed onto the sheets. "Nothing. Absolutely nothing."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy times are coming, I swear! Leave me kudos and your ideas and thoughts in the comments! Thanks for reading! <3 xx


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Are you free tonight?"  
>  Cas rolled his eyes as hard as he possibly could. "No. I'm getting fucked by my badass boyfriend tonight, actually." He curled his lips around the mouth of the beer bottle he was nursing at The Roadhouse, having lunch with Dean. He seemed uncomfortable, his cheeks tinged red, refusing to meet Cas's eye. Cas paused at the conflict on his face. "Dean?" He said softly, taking Dean's hands and lowering his head in search of Dean's eyes. "Is something on your mind?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay really though, I'm running out of ideas for this, and I need some, so leave your ideas in the comments.  
> I swear this chapter is pure schmoop and nervous!dean and bamf!cas.   
> Enjoy!

   "Are you free tonight?"

   Cas rolled his eyes as hard as he possibly could. "No. I'm getting fucked by my badass boyfriend tonight, actually." He curled his lips around the mouth of the beer bottle he was nursing at The Roadhouse, having lunch with Dean. He seemed uncomfortable, his cheeks tinged red, refusing to meet Cas's eye. Cas paused at the conflict on his face. "Dean?" He said softly, taking Dean's hands and lowering his head in search of Dean's eyes. "Is something on your mind?" The pad of his thumb rubbed soothing circles over the back of Dean's hand. Cas watched him toy with his lip ring, biting his lip, and met Cas's eyes. 

   "Can I take you somewhere tonight? You know, just dinner. We haven't really gone anywhere nice yet, and it's been two weeks, and I kinda feel like I'm dropping the ball here." Dean's eyes dropped to the table again.

   "Dean." Cas curled his fingers under Dean's chin, drawing his gaze back to Cas. Dean continued to blush his insecurity. "That sounds lovely." Cas made a point of keeping his voice soft, almost whispering in the rowdy restaurant to calm Dean's nerves. He smiled reassuringly, a genuine toothy grin. "What time?" He was tempted to ask what he should wear, but when in doubt, always better to be overdressed. Cas was always looking for occasion to wear his favorite (only) suit anyway.

   "I'll pick you up at your place, six? Is that... okay?" The twist of Dean's lips still betrayed his embarrassment, so Castiel leaned over the table and kissed the look off his face. Dean was hesitant, so Castiel pushed his tongue over Dean's lips, prying his way in slowly, tilting his head to slot their mouths together better. He felt Dean's fingers brush down his neck, and Castiel pushed harder, lips firm and unforgiving, tonguing his boyfriend firmly. The scoffing and complaints of the middle aged parents at a nearby table with their young children only served to thrill him. _Mine._

   Cas pulled back just enough to let his breath skirt over Dean's lips, hot and sure. "I can hardly wait."

   He sat back down in their usual booth seat, gaze not leaving Dean's eyes as he sucked a little earnestly at the straw in his water that he always ordered and never drank. He liked to use that straw for the sole purpose of getting Dean hot and bothered. Cas tangled their feet together under the table, a comforting touch that Dean always appreciated, and the dangerous glint Cas loved returned to the green eyes across the table.

 

***

 

   Cas slid his closet door opened and pushed his way to the back. So, his house was a mess, and that obvious included the closet. He lived alone, so it didn't matter. The very last thing in his closet had one of those dry cleaner bags on it, with a fancy brand name printed across it. He leaned in to grab the top of the hanger and pulled the suit out gingerly. Anna had insisted that part of the healing process was buying at least one set of really fancy clothes, and wearing them sometimes for no good reason. Something about how wearing clothes you feel confident in is really important, it's part of caring for yourself. So he'd gone along with it. Anna insisted it was on her dime, so he tried to look at cheaper materials, but Anna would have none of it, dragging him to the Italian suits in the most expensive part of the store and having him try things on while she requested a tailor's assistance.  
  


   He realized now that Anna was right. He felt good in that suit. Confident. Not that he wasn't on a regular basis, wearing his torn up skinny jeans and Metallica graphic tees, but it was different, and he understood much better now. He couldn't help himself, he dug his phone out of his jeans and dialed Anna.

   "Castiel?"

   "Hey Anna! Remember when you made me buy a really nice suit, and I told you that I didn't need it and I felt fine in the clothes I always wear?"

   In the brief silence that ensued, he was absolutely certain that he could hear the sound of Anna's most shit-eating grin stretching across her face. "I remember."

   "Well, I think I get it now, and thank you so much for forcing me to get this suit, and Dean and I are going to a fancy dinner tonight and I'm wearing it, and I'm just really glad you made me get a nice suit. I feel good."

   Anna laughed, and her once shit-eating grin turned genuine as it always was. "I'm glad you understand now, it's an important part of caring for yourself. Now you need to start wearing it for no reason, just because you want to. Wear it to the library a few times, just because you know you look _dashing_." She giggled quietly, surely trying to hide it.

   Cas wore his trademarked I-Really-Love-My-Awesome-Sister face, complete with shining smile. They said their goodbyes, Anna wishing him good luck, and Cas showered quickly, toweling his hair, actually combing it into an articulate, purposeful tousle he knew Dean would love. He made sure all of his piercings were his best, matching black (he had a set of rings for every hold he had with a bright rainbow pattern, because why _not_ be flamboyantly gay sometimes?). He approached the suit again, pulling the plastic cover off of it and running his fingers over the fabric, stunned all over again that he owned something this expensive and luxurious while eating nothing but pizza and drinking the cheapest beer he could find. 

   Once he'd tugged it on, he turned to his mirror to admire himself in fancy clothes. _Nothing wrong with liking what I look like in a badass fancy suit. I look like a fucking mobster or something_. He did his best impression of the classic mobster pout, gripping his lapels lightly. "Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal!" He took another long look. "Damn I love this suit." He pranced off to the bathroom and applied a thin, dark line of eyeliner, just enough to make his eyes pop, mostly because he usually felt naked and wrong leaving his house without eyeliner.

   He took another long look in the mirror, _because why the hell shouldn't I_ , and was startled by he harsh knock on his front door. Cas looked at his phone - right on time. 

   "Hello Dean." Cas swung the door open with a shit-eating grin, and Dean's mouth hung open. He seemed to have stopped breathing, and there was a warmth in his eyes that Castiel recognized. He openly stared, wide eyed, taking in the fine, slim Italian suit that made his boyfriend look like walking talking sex with blue eyes. "Uh... Dean?"

    Cas snapping his fingers in front of Dean's face seemed to yank him out of his reverie. "You look amazing, Cas," he choked out a little too quickly, eyes still wide, pupils blown. He didn't move from the spot, sucking his bottom lip in his mouth to toy with his lip ring. "Goddamn." He reached out his fingers to run them over Cas's chest, feeling the suit under his fingers, mesmerized, shamelessly standing in the open doorway admiring his boyfriend dressed to the nines.

   "Dean, we should really get going." 

   His wide eyes jerked up to Cas's face. "Uh yeah, yeah you're right. Okay, let's go." He held out his arm for Cas to loop his through, and Cas took his time admiring Dean's suit as well. Okay, so it was mostly Dean's ass. And chest. And arms. And _damn_.

   "You're looking dashing tonight, Mr. Winchester." He thought of male models in magazines as he crafted his expression to look handsome like them.

   Dean's blush was worth the effort. "Thanks. You look incredible." He kept his eyes down all the way to the car, Dean opening the passenger door for his date. Cas stepped into his personal space, feeling powerful in the sex appeal he knew was taking all of Dean's attention right then, and kissed him firmly on the mouth. Dean let a little moan slip, and his cheeks burned a fiercer red. His fingers locked together and pulled apart again, fidgeting nervously.

   Cas dropped tiny kisses all over Dean's face until he felt his date relax in front of him, muscles uncoiling. "Don't be nervous, Dean. You look amazing and we're going to have fun tonight, and when we get back, you can take this suit off me as slow as you want." Dean gulped audibly, and Cas stroked his face and kissed his knuckles. Dean seemed to gain some confidence then, walking around the car and hopping into the driver's seat. 

   Cas scooted closer to Dean, and they sat tangled together as they always did. The familiar contact seemed to calm Dean, and he revved the Impala's engine, dropping a kiss into Cas's hair. "I better hurry, we might end up late."

 

***

 

   The restaurant was shmancy, if Cas had anything to say about it. Him and his fine ass suit fit right in there - though the number of piercings between the two of them drew some sour attention. The walls were dark red, the lighting dim, the table cloths white, the napkins folded like who-actually-fucking-knows kind of bird. 

   "Reservation for Winchester." Dean approached the hostess confidently, and Cas sent him a look he knew Dean wouldn't see. _That little shit, planned all of this far enough in advanced to get us a reservation at a place like this_.

   "Good evening gentlemen, right this way." She led them through different sections of the place, and Cas was afraid he was going to get lost, it was so huge, and all the tables looked so alike. They were seated at a corner table, where the light didn't reach quite as well. A candle stood burning proudly on the table near the wall. Dean pulled out Cas's chair for him before seating himself. "Your server will help you shortly."

   Dean thanked the woman with an easy smile, and she left them alone. The chatter around the restaurant was quiet enough to hear the piano sonatas playing in the background comfortingly. Cas looked at Dean with a serious, stoic expression, and took his hand. "Dean, can we talk about something serious for a minute?" His eyes grew a bit colder, and his mouth formed a thin line. Dean's face fell when he saw Cas's change in demeanor; the poor guy looked downright terrified. He gulped and nodded, probably unwilling to trust his voice at the moment. Cas traced a slow pattern over Dean's fingers. With a stony expression, Cas said, "What are the odds of us getting out of the restaurant by the end of the night without fucking in the bathroom at least twice?" He stared into Dean's face eyes and watched his anxiety fall apart into the full-body laughter Castiel was so fond of. 

   "Don't you do that to me, you know I'm nervous as hell." He rubbed his thumb over Cas's fingers, tangling their feet together beneath the table. Cas made a quiet, happy sound at Dean's legs entwined with his. 

   "Why? Are you nervous, I mean? What, do you think I'm gonna judge you or something? Think I'm gonna hate a fancy date with the most beautiful man I've ever laid eyes on? I don't understand what you're worried about." Dean's cheeks heated up. Castiel loved Dean's childish blushing. 

   Dean kept right on smiling so sweetly as he said, "I just really want to treat you right, Cas. I just want you to enjoy yourself, and - dammit." He stopped for a moment. "You know what, I just wanna spoil you fucking rotten because you're incredible and you deserve it, and I'm so lucky that I'm the guy who gets to treat you like a king, and I'm really scared of messing it up."

   Dean took a deep breath, and tried to shake off his nerves and smile. Castiel adopted a serious expression again, grasping Dean's sweaty hand in his two. "Dean, here's the thing." He paused, sighing deeply, brow furrowing together. He looked Dean in the eyes. "There's just no fucking way we're gonna leave this restaurant without fucking in the bathroom at least once. I just can't do it." His face melted into a smile as he delivered the line, falling apart into laughter. Dean joined him, and they both laughed a little louder than they should have in such a formal setting, but Cas found it rather difficult to give a fuck about that.

   Their waiter approached the table. "Good evening! Shall we start off with wine for you gentlemen?"

   Dean took on his professional suave attitude and formally addressed the waiter, ordering some wine that he knew nothing about that sounded really expensive. When he left, Cas leaned over the table to whisper at Dean. "What the fuck did you just order?"

   Dean laughed heartily and explained that it was just some fancy kind of wine that he knew they had. It was aged, and it was red wine so don't worry, and Cas had to admit then that he knew absolutely nothing about wines.

   "Are you a virgin to wine culture? Oh my god, I get to take your virginity." Dean laughed, and it was Cas's turn to flush.

   "Well, that's not _entirely_ true."

   The challenge was clear in Dean's tone, eyes bright and brows raised. "Yeah, and what does that mean? What kind of wine do you know anything about?"

   "Well, the strawberry kind, when I was a teenager..." Dean's laughter erupted again, and the waiter had returned with their fancy ass wine, pouring them each a glass. 

   Dean thanked him and waited for him to walk away before turning to Cas with a sarcastic grin. "A toast? To your sex hair, because _goddamn_? Or the taste of your ass, which is finer than this wine?"

   It was Cas's turn to laugh at an irresponsible volume, and raised his glass. "How about, to the guys you elbow in mosh pits?"

   Dean's grin was worth the sappiness. "I'll drink to that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave me kudos and ideas in the comments!!! Thanks for reading! <3 xx


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As his phone turned on, it rang. His brow furrowed in surprise- who the fuck would call this late at night? It wasn't a number he recognized.  
> "Hello?"  
> "Is this Dean Winchester?"  
> Dean paused. Something in his gut felt... not right. And it wasn't the chocolate volcano. "Speaking. Who is this?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yet another feels roller coaster.  
> *Immediate continuation of the last chapter*  
> *General angst- not too bad I guess. But still angst.*
> 
> Enjoy!

   "So, what do you think?"

   "Dean, this is amazing. You are amazing," Cas groaned happily through a mouthful of authentic Italian pasta. He knew Cas always had an astonishing appetite, but he was smaller than Dean and somehow managed to eat more. Much more. He let his eyes glide over Cas's slim frame and smiled as he wondered where Cas could possibly put all those carbs.

   "I'm glad you like it." Dean took a sip of the fancy wine they'd ordered. Cas had already gone through several glasses, clearly a fine wine virgin, gushing to Dean that it was the best alcohol he'd ever tasted in his life. He wondered at the flush in Cas's cheeks, pondering if it was from his suit, Dean's attention, or the wine.

   Cas finished off his massive plate, not a noodle left behind, and pressed the weird origami napkin to his lips. "Dean, this is amazing. We have to come back here. How did you ever find this place? It's got to be one of the best restaurants in the city."

   Dean blushed at the unexpected inquiry, eyes glued to his half-empty plate. "When my dad died, I looked for places to take Mom out, so she wouldn't be so lonely. Sometimes I'd give Sammy some money and drive them someplace, so he could spend time with Mom too. She had a really rough time, for a long time, so I drove around the city checking out places to go- we went to the movies, fancy restaurants like this, wine tastings- though I was too young to taste the wine, she let me have some of hers anyway- stage makeup workshops, plays and musicals, smaller local events. Hell, we even went mini-golfing. Mom and I have always been pretty fond of this place, we saved it for... special occasions." His cheeks flushed deeper towards the end; he hoped Cas was too buzzed to notice.

   No such luck. Cas pushed his plate aside and leaned forward, elbows on the table. "Dean, am I a special occasion?" His voice was soft and full of admiration, with the ever-present hint of mischief. He tugged Dean's feet closer to him under the table. Dean blushed involuntarily in response, silently cursing his delicate cheeks for their constant and utter betrayal. "Oh my god, _I am_. Dean, that's sweet." Cas gripped his hand with a sweaty palm across the table. Dean liked Cas when he was a little tipsy. The wide, gummy smile that Dean loved so much stretched across his face from ear to ear so easily in a way that it rarely did when he was sober.

   "Of course you are, Cas," Dean nearly muttered, forcing himself to stare back into Cas's intense, wild blue eyes. He never regretted it when he did. Cas was like staring into the sun; he felt drawn to the light and blinded by it all at once. The butterflies in his stomach were terrifyingly fierce, but butterflies all the same.

   Cas leaned in conspiratorially, cupping his mouth and whisper-shouting, "I think now might be a good time to fuck me in the bathroom, Dean." 

   Dean just laughed at that. "Dessert?"

   He turned his attention to the mouth watering images of desserts he couldn't pronounce, in a variety of shapes and colors, his mind loosened enough by the alcohol that changing the subject to delicious pastries and sugar seemed to be an effective method of distraction.

   His eyes widened and his jaw dropped. Dean stared. That is so damn cute. "Dean, look at that giant chocolate volcano thing, look at this!" He picked up the over-sized menu from the table and awkwardly maneuvering it around to show Dean, even though Dean was already looking at it on his own menu. Cas peeked out from behind the giant tri-fold, and Dean laughed out loud at how adorable he was. Awe was written on his face over this chocolate masterpiece. His finger pointed to it urgently. "Dean, look at it!" Dean laughed again, blatantly staring at the giant bundle of adorable in front of him, all inside a sexy Italian suit and a lithe body with an abundance of piercings.

   "I see it, baby. We're definitely getting that." Dean relished the way Cas's eyes lit up. He leaned across the table and kissed Dean a sloppy, wet kiss firmly on the lips. He felt Cas run his leg up Dean's calf under the table, seeking more contact.

   "God, you're amazing." Cas struggled to tame his menu into its folded shape on the table. Dean watched, trying not to laugh at his failing effort, not sure he should help, either. Just watching Cas be Cas was far too satisfying. Even when he was Cas-a-little-drunk. 

   Their waiter soon cleared the table and took their dessert order, Cas grinning at him the entire time, seemingly oblivious to any other people in existence who were not Dean.

   "You know, you're probably the most amazing guy I've ever met." Cas's half-lidded eyes rested softly on Dean.

   Dean pulled Cas's knuckles to his mouth and kissed each one of them in turn. "You are definitely the most amazing person I've ever met."

   Cas blushed furiously and giggled just a little, tonguing at his lip ring.

   "You are so goddamn cute when you do that." Dean couldn't take his eyes off his boyfriend.

   "Do what?"

   "Play with your lip ring like that. Giggle. _Smile_ like that. Hold my hand. Blush. Goddamn Cas, I swear you'll be the death of me." 

   Cas's smile was genuine. It reached beyond the alcohol fogging his mind and showed a deeper compassion. He rubbed circles over the back of Dean's hand with the pad of his thumb. 

   Their dessert arrived just in time to cut their moment short. It was worth it, judging by the look on Cas's face, and damn, the picture in the menu was not to scale. It towered between he and Cas, covered in chocolatey syrup, and Cas snatched up his fork and dug right in. "Aren't you gonna have some, Dean?" He groaned at the taste pornographically and pulled the fork from between his lips slowly. Dean stared shamelessly. "Dean. Eat it. Right. Now."

   Dean ate it right then. He closed his eyes in chocolatey bliss. As many times as he'd taken his mom to this restaurant, they'd never been brave enough to order this monstrosity, always too full or too tired to go on eating. But Cas could put it away like no one else he knew, so of course he was still going. Dean wouldn't be surprised to see Cas finish the whole thing nearly by himself- Dean felt like he may burst.

   "What do you think, Cas?"

   "I think this is better than sex," he groaned around a mouthful of chocolate heaven. Dean put on a face of mock pain and gasped dramatically. 

   "I'll have to fuck you so hard you can't walk for a week, and then we'll see how you feel about it."

   Cas gulped audibly, and Dean swore he could see Cas sober up a little at the thought. He curled his feet around Cas's calves possessively.

   "Dean, we better go." He placed his fork on the table and waved the waiter to them. "I might need you to fuck me _right now_."

   The waiter tended to them, and as quickly as he'd come to their table, he was certain he'd heard what Cas said, but if he did, the server didn't let on.

   He packed the rest of the dessert in a to-go box and Dean paid the bill while Cas cleaned himself up a bit in the restroom.

   "Ready to go?" Cas held out his hand, and Dean took it, smiling. He pointedly ignored the flurry of murmurs around them and listened only to Cas.

   Outside the Impala, Dean pulled his phone out of his pocket and turned it back on. He and Cas had a rule about phones: vibrate on lunch dates, completely off for dinner. They wanted to make sure they were giving the other their full attention when they had time together, if someone really needed them, they could leave a message and wait their turn.

   As his phone turned on, it rang. His brow furrowed in surprise- who the fuck would call this late at night? It wasn't a number he recognized. 

   "Hello?"

   "Is this Dean Winchester?"

   Dean paused. Something in his gut felt... not right. And it wasn't the chocolate volcano. "Speaking. Who is this?"

   "This is Pam, I'm a nurse at St. John's hospital. Your mother Mary is in the emergency room, she had a stroke while she was home alone and called emergency assistance. You're listed as her primary next of kin."

   Dean's face was white as a sheet. His mouth hung open absently, his heart stuttered, his fingers trembled, and his brain shut down. He tried to force himself to breathe, gasping quietly. "I'll be right there." He hung up the phone without waiting for a goodbye and yanked the Impala's door open a little too hard.

   "Dean, what's wrong?" He crawled into the passenger seat, sober at the pale terror on Dean's face, his quivering lip. Cas scooted across the seat and pulled his fingers through the hair at the base of Dean's skull. He didn't react to the touch at all. 

   "Mom's in the hospital. We gotta go." His muscles suddenly kicked into gear and he peeled out of the parking lot, too fast, and Cas held onto Dean's arm for dear life. Dean tore around curves, ignored speed limits, and passed people who drove too slow for his liking. He didn't speak. His lip still trembled. Cas held onto him, not sure what to do.

   When they pulled into the hospital, Dean had barely parked and turned off the car before he was sprinting inside, leaving Cas in the dust. He sprinted to catch up, but Dean was a mechanic and Cas was a librarian and there just wasn't any competition there, Cas could barely keep him in sight. 

   "I'm Dean Winchester, my mother Mary Winchester is here, where is she, I need to see her." Dean panted to the nurse at the station in the waiting room, flustered and completely out of breath. He was single-minded, and he felt like a thirteen year old kid again: _Mom_. 

   "She's down the hall to your left, second door on the right. Let me open the door for you. Excuse me sir, who are you?"

   The nurse turned to Cas, eyeing him critically. Dean grabbed his arm and yanked him closer. "He's my husband. Family. We need to go see my mom right now."

   Cas could hardly breathe. Because in the midst of the chaos and Dean's pain agonizingly written across his face, he liked the sound of that. _Husband_.

   The nurse didn't look like she believed him. "Go ahead." She buzzed the door open and watched them rush through the door.

   Dean grabbed Cas's hand and dragged him along, following the nurse's directions to Mary's room. Dean rounded the corner, shoved the door open, and he saw her. She was pale, her blonde curly hair pulled away from her face. The creases on her brow looked tired, her thin lips slack. She didn't look conscious, but Dean rushed to her anyway. Then he noticed the doctor in the room. He looked to him, not knowing what to ask, eyes full of expectation.

   "Are you the next of kin?" The doctor looked over his wire rimmed glasses at Dean, and then to Cas.

   "Yes. Is she gonna be okay?" Dean's eyes were wide, and Castiel had seen him gaze like a wide-eyed child before, but never like this. Never wide with fear.

   "I think so. We'll need to wait and see how she does, but she's stable right now. She needs to rest, and we'll go from there." The doctor approached Dean, and his face softened. "I'm going to do everything I possibly can to make sure your mom is okay."

   A fraction of the weight on Dean's shoulders seemed to lift, knowing that she was stable and that this doctor was probably good at his job, hoping that his mom would be okay. "She's a fighter. She'll be okay." Dean was sure he was convincing himself more than the doctor. He left the room, leaving Cas and Dean alone with Mary.

   The door swung shut, and Dean shrugged off his suit coat, tossing it on the nearby chair, and loosened his tie. He settled himself on the bed with his mother and held her hand gingerly. Castiel felt as if he was invading on a private moment, not sure what to do with himself.

   "Dean, would you like me to go to your apartment and get some more comfortable clothes for us? So you can stay here with her?"

   Dean looked up at him, eyes pleading with something Cas didn't want to see. "Not right now. Maybe later? Please, just... stay with me right now." He tucked himself into Cas's arms, burrowing his face in his chest, trembling and clutching Cas's back. He began to sob. As the sound fell on Cas's ears, he cried too. He'd never heard anything so pained, so awful. He'd give anything to make sure Dean never made that sound again. He rubbed his hands over Dean's back, feeling powerless to help Dean lift this new burden. All he could do was hold Dean as he suffered. He stroked his hands through Dean's hair and spread his palm over Dean's head as best he could, holding him tight and keeping him close.

   "Can I sing you a song, Dean?" Cas whispered in his ear. Dean nodded into Cas's chest.

   He kept his lips near Dean's ear, and he began to sing.

   " _Oh, the summertime is coming,_

_And the trees are sweetly blooming,_

_And the wild mountain thyme_

_Grows around the blooming heather,_

_Will you go, Lassie, go?_..."

   He sang into Dean's ear as he sobbed into Cas's chest, stakes plunging through his heart at each pained sound Dean made. They stood there, for who knows how long, Cas singing and Dean crying, until finally the tears slowed and Cas took Dean's face in his hands. "It's gonna be okay, Dean. She's gonna be just fine." He pulled himself together enough to give Dean a bright, reassuring smile, which he did not return. He just brushed a hand down Cas's face like he was fine China, and stared into his eyes silently. Cas planted a kiss on Dean's forehead, circling his thumbs over Dean's cheeks. Dean closed his eyes and leaned into the touch, cupping Cas's hand with his own. 

   "Thank you, Cas." He drew a deep breath. "Do you wanna take my car? It's late, you should go home."

   "Do you want me to leave?"

   Something broke in Dean's eyes. "No."

   "Then I'm not leaving. I'm gonna go call Eleanor and make sure she knows that I will not be available until further notice."

   "You're an angel, Cas." Something warm gleamed in Dean's eyes, and he kissed Cas chastely on the lips.

   Cas stepped out of the room, closing the door gently behind him, watching Dean through the small door window pull a chair to his mother's bedside and sing to her, too. 

   It was awfully frowned upon to use cell phones inside hospitals, so he stepped outside to make the call. When he finished his business and returned to the waiting room, the nurse still eyeing him suspiciously, he requested access to the room so he could be with his husband, loving the way that word rolled off of his tongue, and she reluctantly let him in. 

   Cas hesitated outside of Mary's room. He saw Dean, sitting in the chair he pulled up next to her, fingers steepled over his nose, covering his mouth, tears flowing freely. He stared into nothing. His eyes were empty. Cas took a step back, drawing a deep breath before he'd continue.

   "Dean?" He said softly, still whispering. He pulled up the chair on the other side of the room next to Dean, unsure of how to comfort him. Say something? Touch him? Don't? 

   Dean solved that dilemma for him, crashing into his side, arms wrapped around his waist like a child, and Cas held him tightly, nuzzling his nose through Dean's hair, dropping sweet kisses wherever his mouth could reach. He felt Dean's chest rise and fall slowly, as he tried to calm himself. "Shhh... it's okay, darling, it's okay." He pressed his fingers lightly to Dean's neck, feeling his pulse drop to a rate much closer to normal.

   He cradled Dean for what felt like forever. Dean seemed calm in his arms, so he didn't want to let him go, but Dean sat up, and his eyes were dry and his voice quiet but steady when he asked, "Would you get us some clothes from my apartment?" He stroked his hand over Cas's chest absently.

   "Yes, babe. You stay right here, okay? Everything's going to be okay. I'll be right back, as quick as I can." He dropped another kiss on Dean's forehead, and grabbed Dean's suit jacket with the Impala's keys in it as he headed out. The nurse at the front desk studied the grave look on his face, and he dug into Dean's pockets for the keys. "Don't worry, I'll be back," he muttered to her.

   Meanwhile, Dean sang _Hey Jude_ into his mother's tiny hand, alone in the hospital room, praying for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that the chapters keep getting longer and longer... ;)  
> Leave me your ideas in the comments!!! I love constructive feedback of all kinds! 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it, thanks for reading! <3 xx


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean snatched that hand too. "Cassss..." He whispered happily in his sleep, and Dean snored loudly for a moment, before his breath became slow and quiet again.   
>  "Son of a motherfucking bitch," Cas dead-panned, enunciating clearly, because he was fucking done, and he didn't know what to do now. Sam turned from where he was getting himself some coffee, and almost ended up on the floor laughing so hard at Castiel's mistake to touch him again. The other people in the room weren't so pleased with the language, but they still snickered quietly at Castiel's expense.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated in a while, I went back to school, so I'm busy and tired and I hate everything.  
> There's some exciting stuff coming in the near future, though!!!  
> *Warning for Sadness*  
> *Warning for cuteness*  
> Enjoy!

   "Dean?" Cas pushed the heavy door open and looked over the bent, broken man sitting on the bed beside his mother. He looked up, frustration and fear darkening his green eyes and the lack of sleep written into the lines on his face. Cas sat Dean's duffel on the floor in the corner and laid soft hands on his boyfriend's shoulders, curling his arms around him, pressing his chest to Dean's back. He knew there was nothing he could say, so he dropped gentle  barely-there kisses on Dean's neck and shoulder, sighing deeply and holding him tight. Mary was in the same position, frail and cold and asleep with tubes poking into her in too many places. Dean was deathly still, and cold, and he said nothing.

   Cas tilted his head slightly at the abnormally heavy, rushed footsteps that echoed down the hallway - it must've been the wee hours of the morning, and Cas had yet to meet a nurse or doctor in this wing that could make footsteps like those. The door shoved open and a bear of a man with flannel like Dean's, long dark hair, red eyes, and a weary, somber expression yanked Dean into a fierce embrace, and Dean met him willingly. The man must've been almost six and a half feet tall, he was much taller than both Cas and Dean, and they were not small men. His thick arms and broad shoulders trembled around Dean, and Dean seemed to lose himself in the embrace. They stood that way for a while, until the man came out of his reverie and noticed Cas at the end of the bed. 

   Dean pulled away, but not too far, the other man's arms still around him, and nodded to Cas. "Sammy, this is Cas, my boyfriend. He was with me when I got the news, we came straight here. Cas, this is Sammy, my baby brother."

   "I'm hardly a baby, Dean." Sammy gave a weary smile in Dean's direction, hoping for the comfort of familiarity.

   Sammy stepped forward and offered his giant hand. "You can call me Sam." Cas shook it as firmly as he could and smiled.

   "Nice to finally meet you." Sam removed his hand and exchanged it for a bear hug instead.

   "You better treat my brother right. If you don't, I will find out. But I sincerely hope that we don't have to deal with that, just be good to my brother and we won't have a problem. Thanks for being there for him when I wasn't." Sam's words were hushed, sincere through and through, and he hugged Cas tight enough that he had a tough time breathing, but refused to flinch. It was clear that Sam loved Dean, and that was good enough for Cas.

   Sam released him and stared into his eyes, unwavering. He turned to Dean. "How's she doing?" He sat on the bed near his mother and ran his thick fingers down her cheek gently.

   "The doctor said she's stable for now, that she needs to rest, and that we'll have to see how it goes from here, when she wakes up." Dean looked at Sam with tears in his eyes. "She's gonna wake up, Sammy. She will." 

 

***

 

   "Sam? Dean?"

   "Mom!" He turned to Cas. "Get a doctor!"

   Sam and Dean hadn't left their mother's side since, it'd been a few hours. They watched the sun come up together over their mother's golden hair. Her eyes fluttered open, finally, and she called to her sons weakly.

   Cas poked his head out the door, looking up and down the hallway, and saw no one. Not knowing what else to do, frantically he went to the nurse at the front desk. "Mary Winchester is awake." She immediately turned to the phone and started dialing - Cas didn't wait around for her.

   Back in their room, Sam's smile was so bright Cas thought he'd go blind. "Mom, you're gonna be okay." Dean made promises he desperately wanted to keep. "We're here, okay? Me and Sammy. There's a doctor coming, and they're gonna take care of you, and it'll be okay, you'll be on your feet in no time, Mom." Cas still felt as if he were intruding on a very private moment, that he should step out for a while, but Dean's eyes begged him to stay. So he stayed. 

   A doctor appeared quickly, a different one this time, and politely asked them to clear the room, and then some medical mumbo jumbo that meant nothing to any of them. "I'll be right back Mom, I promise." He kissed Mary's forehead with his eyes clenched shut and headed out the door with Sam and Cas. 

   In the waiting room, Dean curled Cas into an unforgiving, lung-crushing hug, and Cas obliged him quickly. "It's okay baby, she's gonna be just fine, she's awake now, and she's strong, and she's gonna be just fine. Everything's gonna be just fine, babe." Thought it should've been the last thing on Cas's mind, his gaze fell idly to the skeptical nurse at the desk nearby. Tears slid unbidden down his face, and her cold expression turned into something more like certainty. She nodded at him silently and returned to filling out whatever paperwork nurses fill out.

   Sam sat nearby, watching the spectacle, and was careful to say nothing.

   Cas felt Dean's tears against his neck, his arms only tightening around him, and felt him beginning to shake. Cas sang to him, quietly, rocking him slightly, rubbing his hands over Dean's back, whatever he could do. 

   " _I will build my love a bower_

_Over yon crystal fountain_

_And 'round it I will place_

_All the colors of the mountain..._ "

   Cas sang to him the same song he always sang to Dean, the one that meant comfort for the both of them. He patted Dean's back and held him, a heat in his chest blossoming at the thought of being able to be there for Dean the way he was. To comfort him and be there for him no matter what. He loved it. _Wait, loved?_

   He pushed his thoughts away and focused on Dean. Gradually he calmed down, his breathing growing rhythmic and his sobs subsiding. He pulled away and wiped his face with the heel of his palm. He smiled as brightly as he could at his boyfriend. "Thanks, Cas." He ran his fingers through Cas's dark hair in attempt to fix it - as usual, it failed miserably. As Cas's hair continued to stick up in the most random places, Dean laughed at it, unable to tame the black mess that grew atop Cas's head. He kept trying, and continued to crack himself up. Cas smiled at the joy he was able to provide Dean through having terribly unruly hair. His mop was messier than it had been to begin with, but Dean's giggles were oh, so worth it. Finally Dean broke down in giggles on Castiel's shoulder, right there in the hospital waiting room in front of everyone, and Cas had to laugh too. He could see, over Dean's shoulder, Sam smiling, stifling his own giggles, and he smiled at Sam, too. Cas pulled his fingers through Dean's hair and took his face in his hands, kissing the tip of his nose sweetly. He guided Dean onto the couch next to the seat his brother occupied, and curled himself up next to Dean, holding him close. 

   They sat that way for a while, before Dean fell asleep. Cas wasn't surprised. He was physically and emotionally exhausted, and he needed the rest. He carefully arranged Dean on the couch and moved to sit by Sam to keep from waking Dean. There wasn't enough room on the couch for Cas to sleep too - besides, Cas would rather watch over him here. Dean needed him now.

   "Dean and I don't talk much, you know." Sam stared at his brother and spoke to Cas. "I live in Los Angeles with my wife, Jess, and Dean and I just... I don't know, once I left, we didn't keep talking the way we used to. Maybe he thinks I don't need him anymore." Sam turned to him. "How long have you guys been together?"

   "About two weeks."

   Sam's eyebrows shot up. "Two weeks? Damn. Well I hate to break it to you, then, but he loves you."

   It was Cas's turn to look shocked. "What? How could you _possibly_ know that?"

   Sam chuckled. "Because the last time Dean had a relationship with anyone for longer than one or two hot nights together, he was a sophomore in high school. Dean doesn't really _do_ relationships. He runs from them because he doesn't wanna hurt someone, and he doesn't want to get hurt. As soon as he starts feeling something real, he bails. He always said that he wouldn't stick around unless he knew he was gonna marry them. He'd say, 'Sammy, I don't need that relationship crap.' He'd say that he was either in or out - it was a one night stand, or it was forever. No sense in messing with it otherwise." He smiled at the memory.

   Cas was silent, mouth hanging wide open, probably looking like an idiot. This was Dean's brother, he thought he'd tell the truth, and that sounds so _like_ Dean, but - how? _What_?

   "I, uh, I'll - be back in a minute." He rushed outside, past the nurse who now looked at him sweetly. The morning light surprised him, and he squinted at it, his exhaustion suddenly hitting him. He sat on a concrete ledge outside, took a deep breath, relished the feeling of _outside_ , with no walls constricting him, and lit up a cigarette, breathing the comforting smoke into his lungs. 

   How could Dean love him? He was still in shock. They'd been together two fucking weeks, everything that was happening was way too crazy for Castiel to not sit out there and light up at least three more cigarettes. _What the hell am I getting into? Really? What if he's_... No. Cas stopped his train of thought right there, he was not going there. Dean was a good man, and he was nothing like Balthazar. He remembered what Balthazar was like when they first met, when they first started dating, and he remembered what he'd thought of himself at the time, and everything was different now. He puffed a lungful of smoke into the fresh air. _You deserve something good, Castiel. Like you said, it's only been two weeks. Dean would never make you do something you don't want to do. He's not like that. You deserve something good, Castiel._ He told himself that until he was halfway through his second cigarette. He told himself, over and over again, that he was worth something. He told himself that Dean was different, because he was, and that Cas was free to do what he wanted, because he was, that he didn't need to because, because he really didn't. He pressed two fingers to his throat and took his pulse. Normal. He stood, putting his cigarette out, quickly swigging and spitting some mouthwash he carried in his jacket, and headed back through the large clear doors labeled _Emergency Room_.

   "Sorry." He sat down next to Sam, who was watching Dean's sleeping chest rise and fall steadily.

   He eyed Cas, and decided to ask the question anyway. "Are you okay?" 

   "Yes, it's just -" _This is just part of it, Castiel. Opening up, because it's a normal part of your past now_. "The last relationship I was in, well, it was... pretty bad." _Talking about it will only help you. Keeping it a secret is what makes it rot inside_. "Dean and I... this is my first try at a relationship since then, and it's only been two weeks, so I'm just... trying to be careful." He continued to look Sam in the eyes, and felt a tiny fraction of the weight on him lift away, just like it did each time he told someone new about it, every time he talked about it like it wasn't his dirty secret. Just part of the past now.

   Sam was silent for a moment, contemplating this. "Does Dean know?"

   "Yeah, he knows. He's ... amazing."

   "Dean's a bulldog. Like he always said, he's either in or he's out. It sounds like he's definitely in with you. Don't worry, Cas. Once Dean's in.. he's not going anywhere if you want him to stay. He's a good man."

   Cas wasn't sure how to respond, so they sat in silence for a moment, watching Dean's eyes flutter as he slept- he was dreaming.

   "What was he like, growing up? He's told me a little bit about what happened to you."

   "When Dad was still alive, I'm sure Dean told you, he wasn't in the running for Father of the Year. I remember so many times he'd go to school with bruises all over him, black eyes and broken arms, and every time Dean had a story. Fell off his motorcycle, got into a fight, played mailbox baseball with his buddies too many times. I don't think anyone believed a bullshit word he said, but there wasn't much they could do. He told me to hide in my room, and he would tell me to do my homework, and 'go get the girl, Sammy,' and 'get those grades, Sammy, I know you can.' And he'd get his ass beat every night, and then he'd drive mom to some 24-hour restaurant and buy her a milkshake and they'd just talk. He was smart. He was a good kid. He could've really done something with his life, but he was too busy taking care of me and Mom. When Dad died, nothing changed. Dean was still my dad. He got hired at a few jobs, still took care of me, cooked dinner most nights, took care of Mom. He did it all. He deserves a man like you."

   "What do you mean, a man like me? You don't even know me."

   "I know you've been through hell, and you've only been with Dean for two weeks, and here you are in the emergency room, singing Scottish ballads to my brother in front of anyone who happens to be around. I know Dean doesn't rely on other people. He doesn't look weak in front of anyone. I know he's been happier in these last two weeks than he's ever been in his life." Sam just looked at him, and let Castiel connect the dots.

   Dean's eyes continued to dart around behind his eyelids, his breath coming in mutters on the couch. Cas moved over next to him, in the hope of calming him down. He placed his hand on Dean's shoulder, running it down his arms, his fingers brushing Dean's sides. Dean's hand caught firm hold of Cas's fingers, yanking them mercilessly to his chest. "Cas." He didn't mutter, he said Cas's name loud and clear, as if he was awake, and for a moment Cas froze, afraid he'd woken his boyfriend accidentally. Dean just snuggled into the couch and gripped Cas's hand unforgivingly, refusing to let go, and pulled his forearm into his awkward embrace. "Cas," he whispered. He went right on sleeping, leaving Cas trapped with no way of wriggling out of Dean's embrace. His sleep grew calm, his eyes didn't flutter with dreams anymore, and his breath grew steadier. Dean's iron grip kept him there, and Cas was ready to sit there as long as it took - unpleasant as it might be, he would _not_  be waking Dean up.

   Sam just chuckled at their awkward position, and the nurse couldn't help but giggle at them either. A few elderly people in the room and a middle aged mother in the room laughed too, as Cas sighed and surrendered to Dean's grasp. He sat as still as he could, and began to lose feeling in his arm.

   "Would you like some coffee, Cas?" Sam's eyes were alight with laughter as he leaned in conspiratorially and asked him.

   "That would be wonderful, Sam. Thank you." The coffee maker in the room, Cas knew, would probably have the shittiest coffee ever, but he drank it anyway- he was exhausted too. He finished it rather quickly, and sat the empty styrofoam cup on the end table, he caressed Dean's face lightly, thinking of how beautiful he was when he slept.

   Dean snatched that hand too. "Cassss..." He whispered happily in his sleep, and Dean snored loudly for a moment, before his breath became slow and quiet again. 

   "Son of a motherfucking bitch," Cas dead-panned, enunciating clearly, because he was fucking done, and he didn't know what to do now. Sam turned from where he was getting himself some coffee, and almost ended up on the floor laughing so hard at Castiel's mistake to touch him again. The other people in the room weren't so pleased with the language, but they still snickered quietly at Castiel's expense.

   "Oh fucking come on, Dean!" Cas wasn't really upset, he smiled down at his sleeping boyfriend with love - _wait, there's that word again_. _But maybe that word isn't so bad, Castiel_.

 

***

 

   "Who is this?"

   Dean stepped aside to bring Castiel into the circle. "Mom, this is Castiel, my boyfriend." Cas stepped forward and kissed Mary's head, he felt an intense swell of love for her already. 

   "You can call me Cas."

   Mary smiled at him, charmed despite his piercings and makeup, not unlike Dean's. "And I'm Mary, but you can call me Mom."

   Dean looked like he could die from happiness at that, Sam smiled his million dollar smile, and Cas gave Mary - _Mom_ \- a gummy smile and held back a tear for all he was worth.

   Mary was stable now, and Dean's joy was rubbing off on everyone - in the entire hospital. The doctors, nurses, and passing people in the ER couldn't help but send Dean a smile when they felt the happiness radiating off of him, because his mother was okay, and they promised she'd be released to go home by that afternoon. She'd only been in the hospital another day after she'd woken up, so the doctors could keep an eye on her and make sure she was okay, but her blood pressure remained steady, her brain activity was normal, she was smiling, and she wasn't in any pain. The doctors weren't quite sure what to make of it, aside from the fact that Mary was still young and strong, healthy, and her body was able to recover because of it.

   "Mary, what do you say Dean and I take you to lunch sometime?" Cas turned up his sweet charm because he thought Mary was a kind woman, and he didn't have a mother of his own worth spoiling. So he seized the opportunity to know Mary with fervor.

   "That sounds lovely, Castiel. Are you taking good care of my son, here?" She gave Dean a teasing but gentle look, the kind only a mother could give her son.

   "I'm trying, but he can be difficult." With a fake groan he turned his head dramatically to Dean, then wrapped him in a hug. Dean took him outside the room for a brief moment, giving Sam some time with Mary - _Mom_.

   Dean looked a bit awkward, not quite meeting Cas's eye and shoving his hands deep into his pockets. "Are you sure you want to hang out with my mom? I know how you, uh -"

   Cas kissed him, effectively shutting him up. "Yes, I'm sure."

   Dean looked into his eyes, pleasantly surprised, and found only joy there, where there was normally a small remaining piece of coldness leftover from whoever you used to be. His smile rivaled the bright light of the city in the night. "Okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think! Leave me ideas in the comments! I love feedback of all kinds!  
> Thanks for reading, I hope you're loving it! <3 xx


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Completely caught off guard by the question, Cas said something really smart, like, "Uhhhh..." He stared down at the table, and let abstract thoughts of the last three weeks of his life flow through his mind, all laughter and bright colors. "Yes." He looked Mary in the eyes, and he thought he meant it, too. "Yes, I do," he said, confident now, his voice strong and sure. It was true. He hadn't been sure before, but looking into Mary's - Mom's - eyes, he was sure. He wanted to call her Mom, and he wanted to call Dean his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which the author wants to move the story along some and make some rad ass character development and ends up with ... this.  
> *Warning for insane cuteness and feels*  
> *Warning for more Dean!Gus feels*  
> Enjoy!

(This is Gus! I don't have a ton of great pictures of him, this one is the best!)

 

*****

 

   "...And I feel my elbow connect with something sickeningly solid, and I turn around, horrified, and honestly I'm kinda scared some huge butch guy is gonna break my jaw, but then I realized that guy was a total softy with these big green eyes, and I proceeded to baby him until his face stopped bleeding." Cas tried to kiss Dean on the nose, but he was far too appalled. He laughed at Cas's exaggerations.

   "Oh that is _so_ not what happened!" 

   As Cas and Dean continued their playful argument, Dean dramatically refusing Cas any kisses until he apologized, they seemed to forget completely that Mary sat across the table, in their usual booth at The Roadhouse. Mary had wanted to stay in, but Cas refused, and Dean backed him up, so after some convincing, she went along with it. 

   She watched the boys bicker like a married couple, easily, forgetting that there was a world around them and that Dean's mother was watching with a warm smile. 

   "Anyway, we all know no one can trust a word Dean says, but _that_ is beside the point. Bottom line, I elbowed him in a mosh pit, and here we are." He sent Dean a look, crooking his eyebrow and begging for a challenge, but Dean just squeezed his hand where they were linked on the table and kissed his temple firmly. 

   "I guess we can mostly agree on that." They smiled at each other. "How's the flower shop, Mom?" Dean asked, turning to his mother finally. 

   Mary smiled at him, unperturbed by the strange nature of their conversations. "We're doing well. Coming out of wedding season, we made a lot this year, the spring was beautiful and people seemed to prefer holding their weddings outside."

   Cas's eyes widened a bit. "You work at a flower shop?" Dean grinned at him.

   "I own one, actually. On Brick Row, downtown."

   "I don't go downtown often, but I'll have to check it out. Dean, why haven't you taken me there?" He whacked Dean's shoulder playfully. "Why don't you buy me flowers?" Cas hadn't expected such an adorable reaction, but Dean turned beet red, shying away from the conversation.

   "Because it's only been three weeks now and... I don't know, I didn't wanna freak you out or anything." Dean was mumbling into the wall, angling his body away from Cas and Mary just slightly, trying to make himself look smaller, but Cas wasn't having it. He hooked an arm around Dean's neck and kissed his face and finally his lips shamelessly, not caring that his mother was watching. "Okay, okay, okay! Would you cut it out!" Dean's cheeks were still flushed and he was almost fucking _giggling_ as he pushed Cas off of him. 

   Out of the corner of his eye, Cas saw Mary watching them, the smile on her face was like the sun but more addicting, and Cas understood where Dean got his looks. He had his mother's eyes, her smile, her nose. Dean's hair was darker than Mary's, but it was soft like he imagined Mary's was. Her cheeks were delicate like Dean's. She was beautiful. The light in her eyes and the strength in her features had returned when she got out of the hospital a week ago. Cas's own mother was cold and absent throughout his childhood, she never cared for her children, and he'd always dreamed of having a real mother, who kissed him goodnight and ruffled his hair and made him grilled cheese sandwiches and checked his homework. Mary seemed like that kind of mom. If the way Dean turned out was any indicator, he knew Mary must've been an amazing mom.

   "I've got to get back to the shop, Dean, we're getting some shipments in today and I have some paperwork to take care of. Thank you so much for lunch, son."

   Dean let go of Cas's hand and grabbed his mother's. "Sure, Mom. This was fun. We should do this again."

   "It was very nice meeting you, Cas." She squinted slightly, not unlike Dean when he was confused. "Is that a nickname?"

   Cas felt himself blush lightly. "Yes, it's short for Castiel. It's kind of a mouthful."

   "Castiel." She smiled, and Cas liked the way it rolled off of her tongue. "I like that name. Castiel is an angel, so I guess it's fitting." She beamed at him.

   "I'm gonna go to the bathroom real quick, and then we can get outta here." Cas scooted out of the booth and let Dean through, kissing him as he went, and Cas sat down across from Mary again. She watched Dean navigate the restaurant, and Cas wished that _anyone_ would look at him like that.

   Mary turned to him, still smiling. "He's a good boy, you know."

   Cas watched Dean disappear behind a corner. "Oh, I know."

   Mary studied him for a moment, but Cas didn't feel awkward or pressured beneath her gaze, there was too much acceptance and love in it for Cas to feel uncomfortable. "Do you love him?"

   Completely caught off guard by the question, Cas said something really smart, like, "Uhhhh..." He stared down at the table, and let abstract thoughts of the last three weeks of his life flow through his mind, all laughter and bright colors. "Yes." He looked Mary in the eyes, and he thought he meant it, too. "Yes, I do," he said, confident now, his voice strong and sure. It was true. He hadn't been sure before, but looking into Mary's - _Mom's_ \- eyes, he was sure. He wanted to call her Mom, and he wanted to call Dean his. 

   "Maybe he hasn't told you yet, but he definitely loves you. I know my boy, but I've never seen him this happy in all his life, not since he was a little boy."

   Cas felt himself flush. "What was he like, when he was little?" He titled his head and focused his attention on her.

   "He was happiest when he was little - but aren't we all?" Her eyes got a little distant. "He liked to bring me flowers - weeds, really, just crabgrass and sometimes dandelions, but he insisted they were flowers, and he liked to weave them into my hair. When his little brother came, Sam, I think Dean might've spent more time with him than his father or I ever did." She laughed, and Cas wanted to hear the beautiful sound over and over again. "He wanted to take care of him, even learned to change his diaper, played with him, fed him sometimes, tried to make him peanut butter and jelly when I wasn't looking." Her smile was golden. "He's always been a good kid. He's strong. The rest of his life wasn't easy, but here he is, and he's happy with you now. Take good care of him, Castiel. He needs love too." She took his hand, and Cas wanted to melt. He laid his other hand over hers, gripping her hand, unwilling to let go.

   "I'll take care of him. I promise." He didn't understand exactly what Mary meant. He felt there was something more to what she was trying to say to him, but he thought he'd be around long enough to find out.

   Dean chose that moment to return to the table, seeing his boyfriend and his mom staring at each other and smiling. He tossed some bills down and ran his fingers quickly through Cas's messy hair, and Cas was slow to release Mom's hand. _Mom_. 

   "Are we ready to go?" 

   Cas looked up at Dean. "I'm ready. Thanks for lunch, Dean."

   Mary stood and wrapped her thin arms around her son's broad shoulders. "Thank you for lunch, Dean, we should do this again soon." She leaned in closer so Cas couldn't hear her - "I like him, Dean."

   Cas stole a glimpse of Dean's smile at that, and he definitely wanted to see her again soon. A different, gentle, childish side of Dean came out when she was around, and Cas just couldn't get enough of it.

   Mary swung the door open and left the boys in the diner. 

   Cas laced his fingers together behind Dean's back where he'd wrapped his arms around his boyfriend. "My place tonight?"

   Dean kissed his forehead, nose, lips. "Sure."

 

***

 

   "Am I doing it right?"

   Cas turned around from where he was organizing his clothes so his room didn't look like a hurricane had torn through recently. "Yes, Dean, you are doing it right. Stop worrying about it, if you're doing something wrong I'll tell you. Or Gus will tell you. Either way." He shrugged playfully and turned back to the task at hand, but not too quickly to miss Dean's wide eyes at that comment.

   "Oh come on, don't be like that! I don't wanna... hurt him or something!" Dean had Augustus curled around his neck, sitting on Cas's bed, and held the rest of his slender body in his hands, where Gus was exploring a little bit. Dean was always a little too paranoid about Gus getting upset about something Dean did wrong and biting him or something, but truth be told, Augustus was the friendliest snake Castiel had ever met, friendlier than some humans, if he was honest. And Dean was doing just fine.

   "You're just being a sissy bitch about it. Fucking calm yourself, Winchester. It's fine." Cas could practically hear Dean rolling his eyes.

   " _Caaasss_..."

   Cas plopped himself onto the bed next to Dean. "What the hell are you afraid of?"

   "I don't wanna like, hurt him or something! What if I do something wrong?!"

   It was Cas's turn to roll his eyes. "Dean. Really." Cas pried the snake from around Dean's neck and literally tossed Gus over his shoulder, standing to go back to his tidying, leaving Gus to fend for himself. He curled easily over Cas's body, his tail wrapping around Cas's bicep, through the sleeve of his tank top, and wrapped the rest of himself around Cas's neck. Cas bent over without warning to pick up some clothes, but Gus was completely unfazed. Cas made it a point to dance like a total freak across his bedroom back to Dean, just to show him that the snake literally does not give a fuck. He was happy and warm curled around his owner, adjusting to his movements, and Dean was a pansy bitch for thinking Gus was made of glass.

   He plopped down next to Dean and pried Gus off of him, placing him in Dean's lap. "Let me tell you something about Gus. He gives less fucks than I do. And that is fucking impressive."

   Dean just grumbled and picked the snake up out of his lap to handle again. Augustus wrapped himself rather possessively around Dean's wrist, but he was trying to get the snake around his neck again, so he pushed his fingers under the snake's body and gripped and pulled, gently but firmly, until Gus let go of him. Cas watched, proud. "There ya go. He's a tough guy, you're not going to hurt him unless you do it on purpose."

   Gus curled around Dean's neck again, and slid up the side of Dean's cheek, face poking into Dean's hair, tongue flicking, and Dean just leaned into the touch. He knew that was how Gus cuddled.

   "Awwww, look at you two! Should I leave? I feel like I'm intruding on a special moment."

   "Shut the fuck up, you dick."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave me ideas and feedback in the comments!!! I hope you loved it! <3 xx  
> P.S. All the stuff in here about snake handling is mostly true. I wouldn't recommend just throwing a snake over your shoulder and expecting them to cling to you unless you've known that snake for a long time and you know it'll be okay, like Cas and Gus's long term relationship, but aside from that, it's pretty accurate. Feel free to ask questions about snakes/snake handling if you're curious ;)


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas turned his head and stared at the floor, chewing on his lip. He still hadn't said it. The 'L' word. Truth be told, he felt like a giant chicken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *If you are grossed out by piercings and stuff, please just nope.*  
> *I don't have eyebrow piercings, but I'm pretty sure they don't actually hurt as bad as I make it sound.*  
> *Please do not wrestle/make out in public city fountains.*  
> *Get your tooth brushes ready for the sweet fluff that's coming at you right now.*  
> I hope you enjoy this chapter!

   "I am so glad we're doing this."

   "This is gonna be fucking awesome when it's done."

   Dean and Cas sat side by side in a tattoo parlor, determined to get a bunch of weird shit tattooed and pierced all over them. Dean had been planning his throat tattoo for months, drawing rough sketches and having friends comment on the design. Cas made the final copy. Dean was surprised at Cas's obvious talent, and learned that Cas's backup plan in college was to be an art teacher. Cas was getting his dream tattoo, which he sketched himself - a pair of intricate ebony wings down his back, cresting high on his shoulders, the tips of the wings falling over the top of his ass. Cas planned for a few more, but the wings would already require multiple sessions and he wanted to start it that day. Dean couldn't talk to Cas much because, well, a tattoo artist was rapidly jabbing a needle into his throat. His would only require two sessions, but Cas knew from secondhand experiences that throat tattoos hurt like a bitch.

   "How ya doin' over there, Dean?"

   A strangled grunt rumbled from Dean's throat in reply. Cas just laughed. Sitting with your head tipped back like that for so long must've really sucked.

   "Any regrets?"

   Dean's returning glare made Cas shoot him a sharp smile. He knew Dean loved the design, a snake curling around his neck, intricately patterned with excessively sharp teeth bared near his collarbone. 

   It had been a month since Cas elbowed Dean in a mosh pit, and the only thing that had changed over time was Dean's relationship with Gus. They were still happy, they were still eating pizza on the couch watching horror movies until some ungodly hour of the night and doing each other's makeup. Cas was back to work, and he and Dean visited Mary often.

   Cas turned his head and stared at the floor, chewing on his lip. He still hadn't said it. The _L_ word. Truth be told, he felt like a giant chicken.

   After their tattoo sessions were finished, they hovered around the piercings chart, deciding who should get which ones. Dean had been dying for some new ear piercings, he just didn't have enough on his ears, so he decided on several more in his cartilage. Cas was going a little more courageous than Dean - he wanted two eyebrow piercings, on the same side, and an industrial. 

   "Should I get my tongue web pierced?"

   Cas squinted at him. "It hurts like a bitch, and I wouldn't be able to tongue you for a while, but you could." He paused. "I should get my eyelid pierced."

   "Like how?"

   "I don't know, there's a few ways you can do it. Look at this one." He pointed to a section of the chart that showed a small ring that hooked around the eyelid.

   "Yeah, that would be pretty cool. I think you should think on it first. Stick with what you've got, for now."

   Cas nodded.

   "I've thought a lot about dolphin bites lately. I mean come on, they're pretty cool. And they make some pretty awesome bone jewelry to put in them."

   "You could do that." Cas nodded absentmindedly. 

   When the man approached who would be putting all kinds of holes in them, Cas volunteered to go first.

   "You look like you know the drill. Where'd you get those done?" he said, admiring Cas's many piercings.

   "I got most of them here, but my first few holes I did myself."

   "You did _what_?" Dean's eyes flew open wide.

   "I did them myself. When I was thirteen. Because I knew my parents would never let me get my ears pierced, so I just... did it myself."

   The look on Dean's face was one of utter horror. "Cas, that's... you're a crazy motherfucker!"

   Cas's sapphire eyes were flirtatiously dangerous. "I know." He studied Dean, who still looked like he'd just seen a ghost. "Is something wrong?"

   "No, no it's just... people who try to do their own piercings and tattoos and shit... I just... Ugh! No! Nope. Not for me. Those people are crazy. Get a fucking professional."

   Cas just laughed. "You mean to tell me that _Dean Winchester_ is weirded out by self-piercing?"

   "Fuck yes I am. There's a goddamn reason they pay fucking professionals to do it, don't do that shit at home. Sorry, that is just a fucking stupid decision."

   "Fuck off, I was thirteen."

   "Well, yeah, but- just- don't _ever_ do it again!"

   "Anyway, I want two right here." Cas directed the guy with the fancy piercing gun to exactly where he wanted his eyebrow pierced. Cas's grunt of pain made Dean laugh, and Cas glared at him. When his eyes flew open, there were involuntary tears forming there. Dean jumped on the opportunity to fuck with his boyfriend.

   "Awww, Cas, did that hurt? Are you gonna cry?"

   "Back the fuck up, Winchester, I don't see you over here getting your eyebrows pierced. I seem to recall you saying you were too much of a pansy fucking bitch to get another one."

   "I did _not_. Just... shut up." Cas always managed to catch him off guard somehow.

   "Oh, also, I want an industrial right here, in this ear." He showed the guy where to make the dots on his ear to shoot the rods through it, and once he and Dean were both happy with the placement, he stuck a needle through each of the holes and then pushed the bar through them. Cas only winced this time. Any piercing on his ear was nothing after holes in his eyebrow.

   Once the guy had cleaned the blood off Cas's ear, Dean was up next. He got five more in his cartilage on each side, more than Cas had ever gotten at once, and Cas had to admit that they looked great on him. Though he thought Dean could pull off _any_ piercing. 

   "Oh, and, I'm doing a tongue web and dolphin bites." Cas wiggled his eyebrow at him. Cas thought of all the ways he could have fun with those piercings, and then tried not to get hard in a public tattoo parlor.

   "I can work with dolphin bites." 

   "Yeah, I bet you can, you perv." Dean made a childish face, and the piercer seemed to realize for the first time that they were a couple, and not just a couple of dudes getting some piercings together. He squinted for a moment between the two of them, shrugged slightly, and carried on with his business. Cas was glad the guy decided it wasn't any of his business.

   Dean barely made a sound for most of his piercings, except when it came to the tongue web. As the metal went through his flesh, his eyes shot open, and a strangled sound came out of his throat, and he didn't move for a moment after it was done. He wiggled his tongue just slightly, quickly finding that tongue-wiggling was a fucking terrible idea. "Hol fuc, Cassh- Ah!" It looked like quite an effort to get his mouth shut, and it looked like moving his tongue was going to be difficult for at least a few days.

   Cas patted his back sarcastically, leaning in to say, "Oh, it's okay Dean, I make a mean tomato rice soup. Looks like you won't be eating steak or pizza or burgers or pie for quite a while, there!"

   "Yea, wull fuc yew, Cassh!" Dean groaned at the pain again, and Cas burst out laughing, slapping Dean on the back. The piercer told Dean how to take care of his web piercing, and Cas watched him put in some A+ effort trying not to squirm in pain. He couldn't help but giggle, watching Dean trying to act all manly.

   The moment the doors were shut on Dean's car, passengers inside, he screamed for a little while. Cas just laughed. 

   "Whathe _fuc_ is so goddamn funneh?" Dean whipped around, pinning Cas to the door with a deadly glare. 

   Cas just lifted his tongue to show a small bar through the skin underneath it.

   "Sunuvabith!" Dean smacked the steering wheel. "Seeruthly?" Cas couldn't stop laughing. He couldn't reel it in. Because he remembered when he got his tongue web pierced, and he screamed like that _inside_ the tattoo parlor. He drank broth through a straw for a straight month. He remembered when he could finally eat pizza again, he almost died. He didn't know better than to quit smoking for a while, so it got swollen, infected, and a little bloody for a while. In the end, it was worth it, he just wished he'd known better. 

   "I'll take care of you, baby, don't you worry." Cas poked the tip of Dean's nose lightly, and Dean just stared at him, open mouthed, probably because he couldn't close his mouth. "Let me see." Dean made a whiny sound. "Oh, come on you little bitch, let me see it." Hesitantly, Dean opened his mouth wide. It looked perfectly healthy from what Cas could see. The guy did a good job. "How are mine?" He turned his head to show Dean his industrial more closely, and Dean leaned in to look at them. He bobbled his head and made a strange zombie-ish sound, and gave Cas a thumbs up.

   "Lookth nithe, Cassh."

   Cas smiled at him like Dean was the sun, and when Dean squinted at him a little more, he laughed all the way back to Dean's apartment.

 

***

 

   "You know you can't blow me with that, right?"

   Dean looked devastated. He could talk normally at this point, a few days later, but Cas could tell it still hurt when he pronounced some words. They walked in their favorite park in Chicago, where they were spending the weekend. They both had time off work, so they decided, why not? They were sleeping in the Impala and eating fast food, but that almost made it more fun.

   "What the fuck do you mean I can't blow you with this?"

   "Yeah. I know. Awful. But it'll be worth it, don't worry." Cas tugged Dean's hand, and they walked alongside the massive fountain in the center of the park. Cas sat down on the edge of it a good distance from any other patrons. "Hey, don't look so sad, baby." He pulled Dean's lips into something resembling a smile. "I can still blow _you_." The smile Cas had sculpted onto Dean's face became real as he laughed at his boyfriend's lightheartedness. 

   "But you knew how bad it would hurt."

   "Ohhh, _yeah_ I did."

   "And you knew I couldn't smoke with this thing for _weeks_ , at least."

   "Yup."

   "And you still let me do it. Without telling me any of those things."

   There was no hiding Cas's Cheshire Cat smile. "Yup." He turned to Dean, smug as a bug.

   And then there was a splash, and something cold on his shirt, and something cold _all over him_ , and _goddammit Dean shoved him into the fountain_. He wanted to laugh, but he was also underwater for a brief second and he wanted to live, so he settled for grabbing Dean's collar where he was leaning over the fountain and waving sarcastically, and yanking Dean into the fountain right after him. Even underwater he could hear Dean yelp before he crashed into the fountain with him.

   Once Dean was fully submerged, Cas was bobbing to the surface. Dean shoved him, and a few air bubbles escaped his mouth. Dean glared at him, but there was no real fire in his eyes.

   The sun burned as hot as it could in Chicago on the back of his neck, and Cas took a long, deep breath, shaking some of the water out of his hair and trying to pull himself out of the fountain. A broad, meaty hand caught his foot, and dragged him right back in. 

   They both broke the surface together, standing up in the fairly shallow water and shoving and splashing each other, yelling and laughing playfully, desperately trying not to slip and fall. Park goers around them were complaining, panicking, and contacting the authorities, and not two fucks were given by Dean or Cas that day. Dean went to shove Cas, and instead slipped, falling on top of Cas. With Dean half laying on top of him, Cas caught the light hitting Dean's face perfectly, making his skin glow, and reflecting off of the gold flecks in Dean's emerald eyes. Despite the heat of the afternoon sun, Dean's smile was brighter. Cas traced a finger down Dean's cheek. "I love you, Dean."

   He looked like he just got the air punched out of him. He stared down at Cas, mouth open in surprise, eyes growing impossibly wider, impossibly brighter. He cupped Cas's face in his hands. "I love you too, Cas." He kissed him as best he could with a new piercing in his mouth. When the yelling grew louder around them and people started shouting nasty slurs, the sound of quick, heavy footsteps on the pavement approaching, they scrambled out of the fountain and linked their fingers together.

   There were actual park police coming after them. If they'd gotten out of the fountain a moment sooner, they could've made a break for it, but they were too close already. Dean squeezed Cas's hand, silently telling him to stay, and Cas accepted his judgement without question.

 

***

 

   "Oh my god, Dean, that was amazing." Cas and Dean hopped back into the Impala with dry clothes and the fountain incident on file. They weren't that much of a problem, and they acted apologetic, but the officers said it technically still had to go on record. The piercings and the tattoos were not helping them out. 

   Dean was _way_ too excited to get his mug shot done, he practiced in the waiting area, asking Cas what he thought of his different faces. His favorite was the blue steel, with pouty lips and an over-the-top sexy squint. Cas suspected he liked it because it had made Cas giggle. More than once.

   When he saw the finished product, he beamed, and Cas couldn't help but smile at his weirdo boyfriend. Cas decided to look as much like a serial killer as possible, glaring into the camera with his chin titled down, lips hanging open just slightly, one eye twitched half-closed. Dean held them side by side, nodding his head resolutely. "We look fucking awesome."

   Cas took a long look. "Hell yeah we do."

   Back in the Impala, Cas leaned into Dean's side as he started the car- it was still Saturday afternoon, and they decided it was time to get the hell out of town. Cas was almost asleep on Dean's shoulder hours later when he spoke one more time.

   "I meant it, Dean."

   Dean looked down at his groggy boyfriend, forehead on his shoulder. Cas was sure Dean had thought he was asleep. His voice was soft when he answered, "What, baby?"

   "I love you."

   Cas couldn't see the ensuing smile, but he could feel it. He cuddled closer to Dean and held him tighter. He felt two soft lips meet his head gently, lingering.

   "I love you too, Cas."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, I really loved writing it! Leave me feedback in the comments! <3 xx


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas chewed his lip ring and was working up a nervous sweat. "You know Dean, that sounds amazing, and I'd really love to, but I can't tonight, I'm just... I'm really tired, and a little pissed off, and I just wanna relax. Can I get a rain check on that?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Important warnings in this chapter - I don't wanna spoil anything, but you know, read the tags, and be careful, please!*  
> *Get ready for a shit storm!*  
> Enjoy! <3

   "Hey Cas, whatcha doin?"

   Cas peeked around the shelf to see Eleanor helping some old woman at the front desk. He retreated further into the romance section to make sure she couldn't hear him. Eleanor was paranoid about everything, and she didn't allow phones in her library.

   "Re-organizing the westerns, mostly. Eleanor's here, so I can't really talk right now. She'll fire me or some shit." The woman had gone, and Eleanor sat down at her desk and started re-stamping a large stack of books. She seemed set for a while. "What's up?"

   "Well, I guess I'll get right to the point then. Do you wanna do dinner tonight? My place? I'll cook you up something fancy and we can watch Disney movies and cuddle on the couch like I know you like?" They'd been together for three months now - Dean finally found out about his (very) private Disney obsession.

   Cas chewed his lip ring and was working up a nervous sweat. "You know Dean, that sounds amazing, and I'd really love to, but I can't tonight, I'm just... I'm really tired, and a little pissed off, and I just wanna relax. Can I get a rain check on that?"

   Dean was silent for a moment. "Uh, yeah, sure. Is everything okay? What's wrong?" His voice grew softer. Castiel took a deep breath, trying to slow his embarrassingly nervous heartbeat. 

   "No, no, nothing's wrong, we're just... doing some rearranging at the library, and it's really exhausting, and sometimes Eleanor gets under my skin a little bit. It's fine, really..." Cas didn't know what else to say. 

   "Do you want me to come over and just chill out for a while?" He sounded hesitant. Sure, afraid of Cas saying no, but mostly afraid of not knowing why.

   "No, that's okay, I'm fine, really, I promise, I just... need a little time to myself. I really have to go." He fidgeted nervously with the hem of his sweater. Eleanor hadn't moved from her post, and Cas knew she wouldn't for a while. "There's a lot of work to do and I just... I really have to go. I love you." He hung up abruptly as Dean began to protest. He returned to his post, re-shelving books and rearranging them properly according to the new system. His hands were still sweaty, and he felt too hot under his sweater. He'd been having these problems for a few days, the twitchy nervousness and the cold sweats. He knew what was going on, but he wanted to pretend like it wasn't happening. He wanted to tell Dean. He wanted help. 

   But what would Dean think if he found out?

 

***

 

   "Are you sure you're okay?"

   Cas was having a serious problem with his cold sweats, and he was sure that Dean noticed. He insisted Dean not come over, but Dean begged and did that pouty thing with his lip, and Cas couldn't say no. He was huddled up on the couch beneath a blanket, which Dean would not get under - thank god - because he said his apartment was already hot as fuck. He checked the thermostat when he left Cas to go to the bathroom - it was set at 92 fucking degrees. 

   "Cas, why the fuck did you turn the heat up so high?"

   "Because I'm cold."

   "No, you're sweaty and I know it. What's going on, are you sick?"

   Cas paused. What to do. He thought it over for a moment. It broke his heart to lie to Dean. "Maybe." He forced the word out of his mouth, and it tasted like poison on his lips.

   Dean parked himself next to Cas on the couch and laid a hand over his forehead. "Holy shit, babe, you're burning up." He wiped Cas's sweat off his hand onto his jeans. "Can I make you some soup? Can I carry you to bed?" He kissed Cas's forehead despite the chance of Cas being contagious - which was sweet, but Cas knew what he had wasn't contagious. Not like that, anyway.

   "Sure, babe. Thank you." He closed his eyes and melted back into the couch. He ran a hand through his nasty hair - he'd just taken a shower that morning, but he was already gross again, his hair greasy and soaked with sweat. "Fuck," he muttered to himself. He shouldn't have let Dean come over. He should've just said he was sick and wanted to be left alone and left it at that. He should've told Dean that he didn't want to get him sick, and tell him to stay away until it passed. It would pass. He was sure of it. It always did. 

   He closed his eyes for a second, and when they flew open again at Dean's voice, he realized he'd fallen asleep. Dean's brow furrowed. Cas tried to smile and pull himself together as he took the bowl of soup (fuck Dean, it was his favorite) and let the steam roll over his face.

   "What's wrong, baby? Is there some kind of flu virus going around?"

   Cas looked at him longingly. He just wanted it to be over. He wanted to tell Dean the truth. But more than that, he just wanted it to stop. "I don't know, Dean. I guess we'll find out." He brushed a hand over Dean's cheek, felt him lean into Cas's touch, eyes fluttering shut. 

   "Can I stay here and take care of you, or do you want me to go?"

   Cas pressed his eyes closed, hating the gnawing in his gut. This decision was pivotal, and Cas felt all the more sick to his stomach as he thought about the consequences.

   He took a deep breath and opened his eyes. "You should go, Dean. Thank you so much for coming and taking care of me for a while, though." He pasted on a smile, and it wasn't completely fake. Dean did care so much, and he felt a swell in his heart for his boyfriend. "I love you, Dean."

   The tension in Dean's demeanor seemed to ebb at that. He sighed. "I love you too, Cas." He stroked the hair back from Cas's forehead, and his palm felt cool in Cas's skin. "I'll call you in the morning, okay? And if you need anything between now and then, you better call me, you motherfucker." His sweet tone and gentle smile contradicted his language, and Cas tried to laugh. It hurt too much, deep in his chest, and it turned into a brief, rough cough. 

   "Thank you. I'm sure I'll be fine. Maybe I'll sleep it off." He gave Dean his best smile. He needed Dean to think he was okay. 

   Dean dropped a kiss on his forehead and turned back one more time to wink at Cas before he swung the door shut behind him. 

   Cas flopped sideways on the couch, breathing deeply through his mouth, and waited until the roar of the Impala's engine was a distant sound far down the street. He stood, peeking through the blinds to make sure he was gone. Throwing the blanket back onto the couch, he wrapped himself in his trench coat and locked his apartment behind him. He gazed for a minute into the dark sky. It looked a little different now. He crawled in his car and drove away, the feelings in his gut all knotted together into some perverted mix of adrenaline, depression, fear, and dare he think excitement.

 

***

 

   "Castiel. It's been a while, sweetheart."

   The alley was cold. Cas didn't mind. He was burning up under his trench coat, and he was fairly certain he was sweating through it. Leaning casually on the brick building across from him stood a man that made him want to vomit. He'd called him earlier that day, asking to meet again. It really had been a while. It'd been about four months since he'd used that number in his phone. He swore he'd delete it out of his phone, never use it again. But when he tried, he just couldn't do it. 

   He didn't know the man's real name. The only name anyone knew him by was Lucifer. He'd never met Castiel alone; he brought along his stupid bullet catchers. Cas had shivered when he saw that he didn't recognize either of them. He wondered what happened to the other two. 

   Pushing the thought from his mind, he tried to speed the process along. "Do you have it?" He croaked. 

   "Oh, so pushy. Can't we just chat for a while? I like you, you know. You're not a total idiot, like most of the people I encounter. How've you been, Cassie? How's your boy toy?"

   "I'm doing just fine. I have the money. Can we just move this along, please? I have places to be."

   "Alright, if you insist." Lucifer's smirk was the most dangerous he'd ever encountered, because he actually looked happy. A small bag filled with something white appeared from under his coat, which Castiel stashed in the inside pocket of his trench coat, exchanging it for the wad of cash he had set aside for... _emergencies_ like this one. He hadn't dug out that money in so long.

   "Thank you. Good luck to you." Cas turned and started walking, not waiting for a _goodbye_ or a _nice doing business with you again._

   "It was good to see you again, Cassie! I hope we can spend some more time together!" Lucifer called after him. All in all, Lucifer was a nice guy. It took a lot to get him pissed off. But once he was pissed off, you wouldn't see the light of day again. Cas had learned early on to either be polite or shut your goddamn mouth.

   Cas didn't look back. He didn't respond. Just kept walking. He found his way back to where he'd parked his car a few miles away, sweating, shaking, and generally a complete mess. Crawling into his car, with only the nearest streetlight by which to see, he sat there and didn't turn on the car. He pulled the bag out of his coat, stared at it, tried to pretend that it was full of flour. 

   Shaking himself out of his reverie, he started the car and drove exactly the speed limit back to his apartment.

 

***

 

   "Dean? Dean, I need help." Castiel sobbed through the phone. Sprawled out on his bathroom floor, he'd been shaking so much that the needle broke off in his arm. The drugs helped numb him, but he knew it could be big trouble if he stayed like that. He was still so cold, yet somehow the tile of his bathroom floor felt like sweet relief. His shirt was wadded up on the floor nearby, soaked in sweat. He tore it off when it just made him colder. He'd seen how red his eyes were in the mirror, his skin so pale. He hadn't been this way in so long - but that's what coke does to you, it hits you when you least expect it. When you've been clean for months. _Good fucking job, Castiel. You haven't changed. You're still Balthazar's bitch and you know it._

   "Cas! Cas can you hear me?! What's wrong? What's going on? I'm already on my way, please just say something, say something, Cas!" Cas could hear him crying. He realized Dean had been screaming in his ear all that time. He shook himself and focused on Dean's voice. It kept him grounded, for the time being.

   "Dean. I'm in the bathroom, please just... Just don't hate me..."

   "Cas, what the fuck are you talking about? I'm almost there, I can see your window, I'm almost there, just hang on, keep talking to me, talk to me, Cas!" Cas assumed the following loud smack was Dean's palm on the steering wheel. "Cas, talk to me!"

   "Dean, please, just don't hate me." Cas's brain couldn't process anything else. He pressed his hands against the ground, trying to get up, and his hand landed on the syringe on the floor. It shattered under his palm. He'd had that same needle for so long, he didn't have another one. The glass dug into his palm, and Cas  stared at his shaking hand, feeling nothing. His head was pounding. He watched the blood slide over his wrist, down his arm, he poked the shards of glass where they stuck out of his hand. "Please don't hate me." He could only whisper. He couldn't process the consequences of what he'd just done, but he cried, because suddenly in his mind appeared Dean's face, and he couldn't look at him. Not like this.

   "Cas! Cas, I'm coming, I swear-" Weird noises came from the door just as Castiel started to feel good. The burn in his arm started spreading, but it was so good. He slumped to the floor, now only shaking because he was so cold.

   A loud _thump_ on the bathroom door made Castiel jump, and something warm pressed against him between his side and the floor. He brushed his fingers over it roughly. He'd fallen on the shards of glass that weren't already embedded in his palm. The warm stuff was red. His blood. Cas stared at it blankly.

   More loud thumps came, and he registered the sound of Dean's voice, yelling through the door, and then a _crack_ , and then the door came down.

   "Cas! Cas, what-" He stopped, staring down at his boyfriend, bloody on the floor. Tears streamed down his face almost instantly. His mouth fell open, and he said nothing. Cas just looked at him, studied the hard curve of his jaw and the mesmerizing green of his eyes. He couldn't look away. 

   "Please don't hate me." Tears streamed down Cas's face now too, and the world shook a little bit. Distantly he realized it was his vision. he remembered this feeling. He loved this feeling.

   Dean said nothing. He picked Cas up, grimacing as he discovered new places that Cas was bleeding. When his arm was pressed against Dean's body, he howled. 

   "Shit-" Dean saw the needle still in his arm, and made it a point to carry him more gingerly now, not to bump the metal still embedded in his vein. Blood poured from it. "Fuck, Cas." He carried him into the bedroom, and Cas smelled something nice, and he wasn't sure what it was. But he liked it. "Stay with me, Cas, come on baby stay with me. It's gonna be okay." Dean's voice shook. He felt his head rest on a pillow, and his skin rub against something soft, his blanket, he thought.

   That was the last thing he remembered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that was really intense. Sorry for any inaccuracies, I have, in fact, never shot up coke, so I must say I'm a bit lacking in knowledge of what it feels like and all of that. I promise not to leave you hanging for too long, I will try to update sometime soon in this next week.  
> I love comments and kudos! Thanks for reading! <3 xx


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He didn't know what to do at this point, but the word rehab scared the fucking shit out of him. The first time he got clean, he'd invented his own rehab. It wasn't pretty. No way he was going through the process of getting clean in front of someone else, let alone a bunch of strangers in lab coats. "I'm so sorry, Dean."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, a relatively quick update! I'll be really busy this week, our quiz bowl season is getting into full swing, so I won't be able to update except on weekends. Oh, the days when I could write a chapter a day with ease. Oh well.  
> *Warning for the same stuff in the last chapter, and illegal stuff, because it's obviously my favorite*  
> Enjoy!

   "It's gonna be okay, baby, it's okay. Just breathe. In, and out, there you go." Dean wiped a damp rag against his forehead, down his cheeks, and Castiel leaned into the cool touch on his burning skin. He was curled up underneath the blankets in his bed, naked, because Dean told him he would have to be. He didn't have the capacity at that point to understand why, but he trusted Dean, so he stood still and raised his arms when Dean slipped his shirt off and complied when he finished undressing him. 

   Cas tried to time his breaths to Dean's voice. He felt about two inches tall, being babied by his boyfriend, who probably should've just called the cops and bailed on his ass, but instead was taking care of him and trying to help him get oxygen in his lungs steadily.

   Dean continued to brush the backs of his fingers over Cas's face, a touch so light he could barely feel it. He closed his eyes and let Dean take care of him. "Thank you, Dean." It was the first thing he'd said since he woke up. He didn't know how long it'd been, or how long he'd been out, but he didn't have the presence of mind to wonder those things yet. 

   He felt Dean wrap his fingers around Cas's palm. "You're so welcome, Cas. It's gonna be okay, I promise." He brought Cas's knuckles to his lips and kissed each of them. Cas spaced out for a few minutes, still exhausted and feeling dysphoric in his body, limbs too long and toes wiggly and weird. The sound of Dean's breathing brought him back to himself. "Is there some kind of rehab center you can go to for help, or...?" Dean left the question open ended, unsure. Something twisted in Cas's gut at the sound of Dean's beautiful voice shaping the word _rehab_.

   "No, no, no, I don't-" His body shook, and his voice trembled at it. "I'll be okay. I..." He stared up into Dean's green eyes, and didn't know where he'd been going with that sentence. He didn't know what to do at this point, but the word _rehab_ scared the fucking shit out of him. The first time he got clean, he'd invented his own rehab. It wasn't pretty. No way he was going through the process of getting clean _in front of someone else_ , let alone a bunch of strangers in lab coats. "I'm so sorry, Dean."

   The brokenness in Dean's eyes broke Castiel's heart in two. He just stared at his for a while, feeling his forehead and pushing his fingers into the covers where they met Cas's body, tucking the blankets around him. He rubbed his thumb absently over Cas's hand, and let out a deep breath. "How did this happen, Cas?" His voice was small and just as broken as his eyes.

   It took him a moment to respond. Talking wasn't the easiest, and he was still pretty wiped out. He didn't have the energy to keep his eyes open to look at Dean anymore. "Balthazar."

   Dean's hand retracted slightly, then tightened around his hand. "That sonuvabitch," he ground out, jaw clenched. Cas didn't know how much time passed after that, he just laid there, getting lost in his own head, feeling his body melt into the mattress. He was so comfortable, and he actually started to feel okay, and his stomach began to calm, and Dean's hand around his grounded him, and the sound of Dean's voice was beautiful in his sore mind. Dean just breathed. Just looked at him. "Do you want to tell me about it? You don't have to, if you don't want. But I'm here if you want to tell me." He stroked the pads of his fingers over Cas's hand like he was fine China. Cas nearly shattered at the affection in the touch. 

   He was feeling brave, his stomach having settled and his muscles feeling something other than concrete, he dared attempt to roll over slightly to face Dean where he sat on the edge of the bed. "No, please, let me tell you." He grabbed onto Dean for balance once he maneuvered to his side, and Dean wrapped a strong arm around his back. He gave up the awkward position and laid on top of the covers next to Cas.

   He couldn't help it, he snuggled into Dean, and his heart swelled while the rest of his body suffered still. This man... "I love you, Dean."

   "I love you too, Cas." He ran his fingers through Cas's hair reverently. He wasn't sure if Cas was still going to talk about it, so he waited, without expectation.

   Cas had lost himself in the comfort of Dean's arms, then remembered what he was supposed to be doing. He forced his lips around the ugly words. "Balthazar was rich, a trust fund brat, honestly, and he dragged me to parties to be his arm candy all the time." He pushed further into Dean's chest, and Dean hooked his chin over the top of Cas's head, snuggling into his hair. He felt so safe in Dean's arms... "As you can imagine, the rich kids at those parties brought along some... less than legal... recreational substances."

   He felt more than heard the breath go out of Dean's lungs, and Cas didn't have to look at his face to imagine the way Dean's eyes were bolted shut.

   "We went to a backroom in some club with one of his shitty friends, and they all shot up in front of me, and they all offered me a needle. I didn't really know... how to say no to it, so I just turned it down and asked for some weed instead. Balthazar... I didn't know at the time, but I know now that he spiked my drink once I was a little high, and he kissed me, and then shot me up. I felt the prick in my arm, and I told him to stop, I tried to rip the needle out of my arm, and he punched me in the face. Once I was on the ground, he... finished the job. You can imagine the rest." Dean shook ever so slightly. Cas could tell he was trying to hold it together for his sake. He just stroked his fingers up and down the notches of Dean's spine, slowly, exhaling onto his chest, and waited for Dean to calm down a bit before he went on. "The next few times he had to hold me down and force it into me, but I... started needing it. I tried to keep myself off of it, use weed instead, or pop pills, but when the craving hits... I had to have it. Anna helped me trying to get clean. I fucked it up quite a bit. I was a month sober when I met you. I've been sober all this time." He stopped to breathe.

   "Baby, what happened?" Dean's voice was a fragile, shaking whisper.

   "I needed it. I tried to wait out the cold sweats, but I just... I couldn't do it. I'm so sorry I lied, I just... I'd been so clean when I met you, and I wanted it to stay that way, I wanted that life behind me, that relationship and all of the fallout from it behind me, and I was doing so good... I was confident. I didn't... want you to hate me. I wanted to start over, and I wanted to keep you safe, and I just -" He didn't know how to explain to Dean everything his heart wanted to say. He squeezed his eyes shut tight, feeling hot tears burst out from under his eyelids and down his face. Dean's arms just squeezed tighter around him.

   "Shhh, Cas, baby, it's okay." He rubbed his hand over Castiel's back soothingly, rocking just a little, and Cas gave up on his words. Dean understood. "It's okay. I'm so glad you called me, baby. It's okay." He wiggled further down on the bed so he could hold Cas's cheeks in his hands and look his boyfriend in the eye. "You're so strong-" A tear slid down his face. "And we're gonna get through it. I promise I'll never, ever treat you like that. You call me. When you need anything. I mean it. If it means I'm gonna spend every night for the next week just like this, and take off work, or whatever you decide, I will be there. Okay?" Dean's thumbs pushed Cas's tears away.

   Cas didn't know what to say. His heart felt ten sizes too big inside his chest. "Okay." It came out a whisper into Dean's chest. 

   "Let's see how you're doing, hmm?" Dean grabbed a thermometer from the nightstand and tucked it under Cas's tongue. He pressed his fingers to a spot just under the bolt of Cas's jaw, seeking his pulse. His brow furrowed as he concentrated on counting out Cas's pulse, and then pulled the beeping thermometer from his mouth. "Your fever is breaking. Your pulse has slowed dramatically. That's good, babe." He smiled at Cas and handed him the glass of water that was already sitting on the nightstand. "I'll be right back." He slid from the bed and left the room with the thermometer, the rag, and the glass, which Cas had promptly emptied. He started drinking it and it was like he couldn't stop. He hadn't noticed feeling so thirsty before.

   He listened to the sink running, and then to the clank of the glasses in the kitchen, and then more water running. Dean appeared with a new glass of water and a freshly washed thermometer. "Where did you learn to be such a nurse, Winchester? I kinda got a thing for hot nurses with pretty eyes and prettier lips." He tried to put on his usual sarcasm. 

   Dean blushed and pressed the glass into Cas's hand. "Sammy was prone to getting sick when he was younger, and I was the one taking care of him. My dad was an ass, and my mom worked a lot and tried to keep our family together, but when she was too tired or she wasn't home, I was the one taking care of Sammy. So when he got sick, well- I learned a lot about taking care of sick people." Cas thought he saw Dean blushing. He drank the water slowly, not wanting to upset his insides again.

   Dean pressed the rag to his face again, and then over his hands, running his damp, cool fingers through Cas's hair. He took a deep breath, and looked at Cas very seriously, with wide eyes, lips pressed into a thin line. "You know Cas... I think this calls for a horror movie marathon."

   Cas smiled at how ridiculous he was already acting. "Don't you have to work?" He could feel himself perking up from the inside out from the water Dean was making him drink. 

   "Did you not hear me just now? I'm staying here with you until I know you are back at 100%. Let me spell it out for you: _I don't give a fuck_."

   Cas opened his mouth to protest, and clamped it shut again when Dean immediately shot him a look. "Okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer, I know literally nothing about what it feels like to recover from coke. Please don't hate me.  
> I hope you liked it nontheless.  
> Comments and kudos are the breath in my lungs! Please leave me your ideas for this story!  
> Thanks for reading! <3 xx


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Yeah, and Clinton never fucked Monica Lewinsky. What are you doing?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Warning for wayyy too much cuteness*  
> Hope you love it! <3

   "Hey Cas, do you like this shirt?"

   Cas stared suspiciously at the blue plaid flannel Dean held up, and then gave Dean a suspicious once-over. He'd been acting a little strange lately. It'd only been three weeks since Cas's relapse, and while he was no longer an anxious mother hen, he was still finicky at times. "...Why?" He squinted in that way he knew made Dean giggle like a schoolgirl. 

   "Oh, uh, no reason, I was just... you know... picking out some stuff..." He tried to play it off, turning back into the closet so Cas didn't hear what he said next.

   "For what, Dean?" Cas stopped what he was doing altogether.

   "Oh you know, just... nothing." His voice rose in pitch, his face an exaggerated frown, and Cas immediately recognized that Dean was lying. 

   "Yeah, and Clinton never fucked Monica Lewinsky. What are you doing?" Dean turned, still digging around in Cas's closet. He pointedly ignored the question. "Dean."

   His shoulders fell. "You know I can't lie to you, Cas. I'm not even gonna try, you got some kinda Jedi mind trick up in there or somethin'." He wiggled his finger accusingly at Cas's forehead. Cas crossed his eyes and attempted to stare at his forehead. He noticed nothing special about it. "It's a surprise, okay? Can you please not pry because I'll totally break and tell you because your eyes are way too fucking blue for your own goddamn good?"

   Cas sighed. "Okay. Fine. Just... don't do something that's gonna piss me off or something." He carried on cleaning up a little bit, twisting Augustus around his neck so he wouldn't fall or slither off.

   "Hey now, I know you. It's a good surprise, okay? Well... I think it's good." Dean huffed a little and turned back to the closet, sorting out Cas's clothes. 

 

***

 

   Cas woke up to Dean snoring into his chest somewhere underneath the blankets. His back was hot where Cas's arms were wrapped around him, and his hair was tickling Cas's chin. He glanced at the clock. Five a.m. Plenty of time for morning sex, showering, breakfast, and going to work. 

   Cas snuggled down into the blankets so he was nose to nose with Dean, his freckles a little blurry because he was huddled in so close. 

   " _Hey Jude..._ "

   Cas whisper-sang at least half the song before a rebellious smile quirked across Dean's face, listening to Cas sing him the song his mother used to sing. Cas's smile looked more like the morning sun.

   "I was hoping that if I pretended to be asleep, you'd just keep singing until I could fall asleep again." Dean didn't open his eyes, his voice scratchy and grumbly from sleeping so hard.

   Cas ran his fingers gently through Dean's soft hair, rubbing his nose against Dean's, and then began placing little kisses down Dean's jaw, to his neck. "Good morning sleepy head," he sing-songed quietly. Dean giggled. "I have some good news for you, baby."

   "Yeah, and what's that? Do I get to go back to sleep?" Cas could hear the smile in his voice.

   "Nope, even better, actually." He kissed his way back up Dean's other side, pressing his lips on Dean's eyelids, nose, cheeks. "I get to fuck you into next week before you go to work." His voice was so soft and quiet that Dean had to laugh. 

   "Is that right?" Dean's eyed finally opened at the proposition.

   "That's right."

   Dean surprised Cas by catching his lips in a warm kiss, and he didn't let Dean go. Cas laced his hands into Dean's sandy hair, pulling him in closer, but not harder. Dean's hands smoothed over his bare back, thumbs tracing over soft skin. 

   Cas was a bit unnerved by the turn of the mood. As ridiculous as it might sound, Cas and Dean only ever had, rough, crazy sex. The kind that included some weird stuff, and maybe he gagged Dean with his tie sometimes, etc., but this... as much as they really did care about each other, they never did _this_. There was always hair pulling and hard biting, because that was what they liked. 

   Truth be told, Cas was... a little scared. Of some of the things he might feel. He and Dean loved each other, sure, but he was still fragile, still felt the need to protect himself.

   He decided to stop thinking and do it anyway. 

   Dean seemed to notice his hesitation. "Is this okay, babe? I know we don't really...I mean, can I..." Dean trailed off into a long kiss on Cas's collar bone.

   "Yeah - _ah_ \- please..." He stroked Dean's hair, neck, back, and closed his eyes. He didn't open them again until all he could see was green, so close beneath him Cas couldn't see anything else.

 

***

 

   "When do you get off today?"

   Cas was furiously toweling his hair while Dean got ready to go to work in Cas's room. He had a few drawers for his clothes and spare work clothes, and a drawer in the bathroom for his toothbrush and things.

   Dean poked his head into the bathroom, catching an eye full of a buck ass naked Cas. "Damn, look at that ass, oh my god." Dean, he noticed, was not in fact dressed for work. 

   Cas rolled his eyes at Dean in the mirror. "What do you want, you nasty perv? Why aren't you dressed for work, you have to leave soon."

   Dean stepped into the bathroom. Cas tried to tuck his towel around his waist to be at least decent, but Dean snagged the corner of it at the last second, throwing it into the bedroom. Well out of Cas's reach.

   "Wow, okay, so you wanna pick a fucking fight right now? Oh wait, you'd be _way_ too distracted by my cock."

   "Damn straight."

   "You're not fucking straight, Dean, don't play with me!" Cas was yelling, and Dean was laughing. He pushed past Dean to find his towel. 

   "Anyway, Cas, I'm uh, not going to work today."

   "What? Why not?" Cas turned, pointedly keeping his towel away from his crotch. Dean's hands were tucked behind his back, and he looked like a five year old kid trying to get away with something.

   "Because, we're going on a road trip."

   Realization hit him then. He'd borrowed Cas's phone for no reason, claiming that he lost his own. Cas later found several calls to Eleanor in his call history, as well as Anna. He'd been sorting through Cas's clothes, and they hadn't stayed at Dean's apartment the whole week. Dean had been putting in a lot of extra hours, presumably to make up for the ones he'd miss. 

   Cas scrambled for something to say, he just kinda stood there with his mouth open for a minute, stark naked in front of his lying asshole boyfriend. "Holy fuck, Dean."

   "Oh my god, you hate me now, we can cancel the whole thing, I'll call Eleanor and tell her to reschedule you, and I'll -"

   Dean was abruptly cut off by Cas's lips slamming into his mouth. 

   Little did Dean know that Cas had always dreamed of a road trip. A _real_ road trip. Not his parents taking them to a five star resort barely thirty minutes outside the city and staying with their grandparents for a weekend in June. A real road trip, the kind where you wear flannel all the time and you smell kinda weird and make a super long playlist to sing to in the car, and you take turns driving day and night, and you stay in strange hotels and go hiking in random places and see the beautiful underside of cities and eat things when you don't really know what they are and you trespass in fields to dance in the rain if you want to, and then you end up with a cold but you keep driving anyway and you kinda know where you're going, but you never know what's coming. You do crazy stupid things with whoever you're with. A _real_ road trip. 

   "Dean Winchester, I fucking love you. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that my bags are already packed and I won't have to worry about working for the foreseeable future."

   Dean just winked, his smile bright enough to blind innocent bystanders.

   "Oh my god, I've never been so glad to elbow someone in the face." Cas kissed him again, once, twice, three times, four, five. 

   "Did you call my sister?"

   "Of course."

   "Does Bobby know?"

   "Cas, stop worrying. Everything is perfect. Our stuff is already in the car. Get dressed, unless you wanna go naked, and let's get in the car, we have to leave in the next half hour, and I'd like an early start."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one was a little shorter, I'm sure you can understand why I separated this chapter from the following ones. I hope you loved it!   
> Leave me comments and kudos, especially your ideas for this story! I love feedback! <3 xx


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So... where are we going, actually?" Dean's smirk did not inspire confidence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're from this area, I've never really been there, so sorry if I mess up like, you know, everything.   
> Get ready for some cuteness!!! <3  
> Sorry for the late update, I slept literally all day yesterday. So here ya go ;)

   "I had no idea you were gonna be so gung-ho about this." Dean smirked around his sarcastic words, taking in Cas's ratty stocking cap, jeans with holes in the knees, flannel shirt, and his beloved combat boots, looking like the sexiest combination of badass and newly homeless that Dean could've imagined.

   The blush that spread across Cas's face made him turn away. "I'm just really excited, okay? I've never really gotten to travel before."

   "Well, I haven't either, so this oughtta be new for us both." They drifted on down the road in the Impala, flying by greens and blues and yellows, the sun and trees and sky blending together, as fast as they were going. Cas felt a little bit like he was floating when they hit a curve. They'd only been on the road for about seven or eight hours, and Cas was still beyond engrossed in every single thing that went by outside his window. Dean's Zeppelin cassette tape played on repeat for about the third time since they'd hit the road, but Cas didn't care. He nearly couldn't hear it over the sound of his own thoughts. He blinked as he realized his own stupidity, the lack of a rather important question which Castiel had overlooked.

   "So... where are we going, actually?" Dean's smirk did not inspire confidence.

   "I guess you're gonna have to find out, aren't you?" His smirk faltered when Cas's knuckles sank into his side. "Hey, I didn't deserve that! It's supposed to be a surprise, alright!" Dean's mock anger made Cas straight up fucking giggle, the light in his eyes unwavering.

   "Well, we're going to have to stop to sleep at some point, and we've been on the road for seven hours now, and we're in Colorado, which means we're about an hour outside of Denver. How am I doing so far?"

   Dean's face looked something like disbelief. His mouth opened and closed like a fish, his eyes drifting shut for a moment. "How the fuck do you even know that, dude." It's not so much a question as Dean lamenting. "It's supposed to be a surprise, man. Whatever." Dean was mumbling now, eyes on the road. 

   "Awww, don't be so mopey, you look like a puppy when you're pouting." Cas pinched his cheek and used his best crooning puppy voice on Dean, his nose scrunching up when he smiled at the way Dean stuck out his lower lip out, pouting for all he was worth. "It's okay, if it makes you feel better, I still don't actually know where we're going, or where we are, or what we're gonna do, or where we're gonna sleep. Or what we're gonna eat. We could become scavengers in the mountains or something, and wear only loin cloths." The car was silent for a moment. "No, I like my eyeliner. I don't wanna have to make it out of berries or something." Dean couldn't help it, his forced face of stoicism broke and he laughed, red-faced.

   "You really need to get some sleep, because you're driving next. We can't stop, or our schedule is gonna get messed up." 

   Cas's eyes widen a little, sarcastically. "Oh, we have a schedule? You planned out all the details, didn't you?"

   "Of course I did! I wanted it to be perfect." Dean's cheeks tinged pink, and butterflies beat relentlessly inside Cas's rib cage.

   He wrapped his arms gently around his boyfriend. His breath rushed hot against Dean's ear. "I love you."

   "I love you too, Cas. This is gonna be perfect, I promise."

 

***

 

   "Where are we?"

   "Somewhere in the great state of Colorado."

   "Wow, thank you, Dean, we've been in Colorado for the last several fucking hours."

   "Here to help."

   Cas reached a hand blindly into the other side of the car to whack Dean. It was dark out, and it kind of excited Cas that he didn't know where they were. Dean had planned out a whole trip for them, just to make an adventure for Cas, and he felt all gooey inside about it.

   They passed a sign: Welcome to Aspen, Colorado, population 6,728. "Wow, are we fucking lost?"

   "No." Silence, aside from the pavement under the Impala's tires. "Well, probably not."

   "Dean!"

   "I'm so kidding, we are perfectly on time and we are not lost! Calm down! Jesus."

   "We better not be lost, Dean."

   "We're not lost, Cas."

   "What time is it?"

   "It's... about 8 o'clock. We're actually a little early, which means we'll be able to get extra sleep for tomorrow."

   "What's happening tomorrow?"

   "A big day, that's all."

   Cas stared out the window, looking for the world outside through the darkness. He was a little frustrated with Dean not telling him, to not be able to stick his finger on a map and say, "Yes, I am here." But that made it exciting, he guessed. There was a delicious suspense in his stomach that he didn't care to get rid of.

   "Fine, whatever." Tiny houses and tall pine trees passed by. He stared out the front windshield, spotting some strange shape on the horizon. "Oh my god, that is a fucking mountain!" He leaned forward against the dash abruptly, sapphire eyes wide, and Dean chuckled. 

   "Yeah, they are. Just wait til you see the sunrise, baby."

   Cas spun around to spot Dean's accomplished grin - not smug or arrogant, just pleased that he could give Castiel a brand new experience that made him that happy.

   Cas planted a firm, wet kiss on Dean's cheek. "Oh my god, you are the most amazing asshole I've ever met." He grasped Dean's free hand, pulling it around him, and nuzzled his nose into Dean's neck for a minute before returning his attention to the strange world around him.

   Eventually, the Impala screeched to a stop on the top of one of the many foothills of Colorado. At least, Cas guessed that was where they were. The view in front of them was filled with nothing but mountain peaks, with snow caps and no lack of coniferous trees. "Wow. Did you really plan this? Did you find this spot before we even got here?"

   "Maybe."

   "Hot damn, I love you so much." Cas kissed Dean as he turned off the car, and proceeded to steam up the windows for a few hours before finally falling asleep tangled together in the back seat.

 

***

 

   Cas was the first to wake in the morning. The sun was taking its time emerging from behind the mountains, and he couldn't help but stare. "Dean, Dean, look." He wasn't sure why he whispered, maybe out of reverence, maybe the scene stole some of his breath. He shoved at Dean's shoulder gently until he woke with a grumble and wiggled in the seat under Cas, rubbing his eyes and rolling over as best he could with Cas on top of him. 

   "Wow. I told you."

   "Can we just sit here for a while?"

   "Of course, babe." Cas almost couldn't look back at the mountains, because when he saw Dean's I-just-woke-up-and-I'm-a-little-grumpy-about-it face, it always felt like the first time, and it was just as beautiful as any sunrise. He kept looking back and forth between Dean curled up with his knees tucked under his chin next to him, and the mountains in front of him. They stared for quite some time, breathing in the fresh mountain air. Dean rolled a window down. Cas had never smelled anything like a fresh Colorado breeze. 

   And in that beautiful moment... Cas felt something weird in his gut... and his stomach growled louder than a dump truck. They laughed hysterically until they couldn't breathe anymore. Dean attacked Cas with cheesy kisses all over his face, promising him breakfast soon.

   "Yeah yeah yeah, get the fuck off me, you bastard." Cas's cheeks were pink all the same.

 

***

 

   "Oh my god, these are fucking incredible!" Cas moaned obnoxiously around a mouthful of pancakes. The best he'd ever had. They stopped in at a small town hole-in-the-wall diner that was open for breakfast. Dean got the special, Pig 'n a Poke and a side of sausage. Coffee black, of course. Castiel had gotten a strawberry short stack. He wanted more than that, but Dean warned him about eating too much, because their activities that day would be particularly demanding.

   "And what kind of _activities_ would that be? I can fuck on a full stomach and you know it."

   Dean's laugh was throaty; that comment had caught him off guard. "I do know it, but that's not what I had in mind. Well, I mean, maybe later, if you still have the energy for that."

   "Don't question my ability to fuck you raw, baby face." He shoved another giant bite of steaming-hot pancake into his mouth.

   Dean glanced at the clock on the wall. "We need to get going pretty soon, are you almost done?"

   "Yeah, but I'm finishing this, because _damn_ it is _so good_." Dean watched Cas stuff his face in silence for a few minutes, admiring his way-too-messy shock of black hair from his hands running through it last night and sleeping in the Impala. He didn't seem weary of the road at all, his blue eyes bright and his smile quick to make an appearance. Dean couldn't remember a time when he'd been happier.

   "What?" Cas stared at him.

   Dean smiled shyly. "Nothing babe, just, finish eating."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that was a little short, it's all build-up for the next part of the trip. I hope you're enjoying the story!   
> Thanks for reading! <3 xx


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A really obnoxious sound interrupted their moment.  
>  "Good morning passengers! And welcome to Maroon Peak! I'll be your helper today..."  
>  Cas stopped listening at 'helper,' because sweet fuck, the guy was so fucking chipper and Cas kinda wanted to wring his neck already.  
>  "Dean."  
>  "Yes, babe?"  
>  Cas had no intention of moving anytime soon. "Can I kill that guy? His voice makes me want to punch a baby."  
>  "Not in public, sweetie. Hang on a second."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated in a zillion years! <3 I promise I love you! I'll try to update more consistently.   
> Enjoy!

   "So are you ever going to tell me where we're going?"

   "No."

   Cas just looked at Dean. Did the squinty thing that Dean found adorable and unsettling all at once.

   Dean stared back.

   "I'm not gonna tell you until we get there."

   Cas squinted a little harder and then melted into Dean's shoulder. "Okay. Whatever. How long are we going to be there?" Cas inspected the pack that Dean brought, he knew already that it contained at least a tent and some clothes. It looked heavy.

   "That would ruin all the fun, Cas." He interlaced his thick fingers with Cas's long, thinner ones.

   "Okay, well fuck you."

   "Is that a promise?"

   "At this rate, not at all."

   They sat in silence for a moment. The bus shook around them as it dropped from pavement to a dirt road. They were surrounded by trees on every side, though they'd only been crammed on the bus with at least thirty other tourists for about fifteen minutes. Cas ran his fingers over Dean's arm absently, and felt Dean burrow his nose into Cas's hair. Even though he was probably sweaty and gross because the damn bus had no air conditioning. He closed his eyes and took comfort in the feeling of Dean's body relaxing and his cheek in Cas's hair. He could feel Dean breathing, his chest rising and falling, and imagined that Dean's eyes were closed, too.

   A really obnoxious sound interrupted their moment.

   "Good morning passengers! And welcome to Maroon Peak! I'll be your helper today..."

   Cas stopped listening at 'helper,' because sweet fuck, the guy was so fucking chipper and Cas kinda wanted to wring his neck already.

   "Dean."

   "Yes, babe?"

   Cas had no intention of moving anytime soon. "Can I kill that guy? His voice makes me want to punch a baby."

   "Not in public, sweetie. Hang on a second."

   It was the casual tone of Dean's voice that sent Cas into a giggling fit, and he forgot all about the annoying guy at the front of the bus with a gratuitous bullhorn and cargo shorts that were pulled up way too high. They filed off the bus at Annoying Guy's overly-polite request, and Cas relished the way the guy stared at Cas with wide, terrified eyes as Cas bit his lip ring and straightened his back to look as intimidating as possible as he got off the bus.

   "Was that necessary, love?"

   "Probably not. But it was fun."

   Dean laughed a little too hard and pushed his lips against Cas's cheek in a little kiss that made him blush.

   "Alright folks! Feel free to explore the hiking trails, remember to use bug spray, don't wander down the trails alone, look out for large animals, read your informational brochures, and always use the buddy system! If you have a permit to camp out, you can turn that in to me before you head out!"

   Cas stared at the guy and popped his jaw in an attempt to not kill him. Sometimes perky just got on his nerves. The guy was scrawny and his voice was high pitched and Cas wanted to hike somewhere far away from him.

   "I'll be right back, okay?" Dean kissed his cheek and didn't wait for a response before heading over to Annoying Guy and handing him what Cas guessed was a camping permit.

   "Okay, let's go! I already have a spot in mind, but we can camp literally anywhere along any one of these trails."

   "Are you gonna tell me where we're going now?"

   "I guess, if you really wanna know." Cas followed Dean towards the giant map covered in assorted colors for different trails and hiking destinations. Dean smacked a finger to the map right next to a large blue thing labeled "Maroon Bells."

   Cas turned slowly and squinted at Dean. Tilted his head in that way that he knew made Dean giggle. Dean looked intimidated as Cas leaned his head closer and squinted harder. Dean's eyes widened. Cas just squinted a little more, and leaned in so close he could brush his nose against Dean's cheek. Dean still didn't quite know what was going on. Cas pecked Dean's cheek quickly, and started down the trail without so much as cracking a smile. The sound of Dean's laughter catching up with him drowned out the nature around them.

 

***

 

   After two miles, Cas's legs were starting to get tired, but the world around him was so beautiful, he barely noticed. His fingers were interlaced with Dean's, the trees were sweetly blooming, they'd been far away from any wifi connection or cell reception for at least an hour. Dean said they were in no rush, their destination wasn't too far.

   The wall of trees opened up around them to a sprawling meadow, surrounded by towering mountains and full of bright flowers and wild grasses, and a lake Cas thought could be half the size of Lawrence. Cas didn't blink, he was scared he would wake up. 

   "Oh my god, Dean, tell me I can swim in that."

   "You can swim in that."

   Cas's eyes grew wide as his shirt flew off. 

   "Whoa, hold your horses, buddy, we need to set up camp before we can do any skinny dipping!" Dean hollered after him.

   Cas stopped in his tracks. "Oh come on, Dean-"

   "Cas, you're gonna regret it if you get out of that water cold and wet with nowhere to go."

   Cas considered this for a moment, and gave up. He helped Dean set up the tent, and only got stuck in the eye with a pole twice. Neither of them had ever set up a tent before, so it was about an hour before they were able to set up a place to build a fire later on. As soon as Dean turned around, he collapsed to the ground, as silently as one can collapse, as quickly as he could, sprawled out on the grass, not caring about the bugs. He stared up into the sky, and staring at the clouds and the too-intense sun made him feel like he was in a fish bowl. When he closed his eyes, he could still see the sun on the backs of his eyelids, it was so bright. He didn't mind at all.

   He heard Dean trudging around somewhere near him, and suddenly there was a large, sweaty body crashing down on his, blocking out the sun. 

   "Hey sugar."

   "Sugar?"

   "Why not?"

   They spent an obscene length of time just laying there kissing in the sun for a while. Cas eventually shoved Dean off of him and ran off towards the water, shouting a quick "race ya!" over his shoulder as he went.

   "Not fair!" Dean called after him, struggling to catch up- it turns out Cas is pretty fast. He has a runner's body, but he still works in a library.

   By the time Dean got most of his clothes off, Cas was already naked and splashing into the water.

   " _Holy fucking mother of god it is fucking cold!"_ Cas screamed. He was sure Dean could see his goosebumps from dry land. 

   Dean stared at the water. "I'm gonna regret this." He jumped out as far as he could, splashing Cas in the process.

   "Hey, you motherfucker! Get back here!" Cas tackled him into the water, and they were both shivering. All that could be heard was the chattering of teeth. 

   " _Holy shit you were not kidding!"_ Cas cackled and huddled around Dean. 

   "We're gonna die if we stay in this water much longer."

   "Yeah okay let's get out like right now." They raced to shore as best they could, shivering so hard they could barely hold their towels once Dean dug them out of the tent.

   "I guess we-we sh-should've known, that w-w-water-r comes-s straight-straight f-from the mmmmountains-s."

   They toweled off as quick as they could and bundled up into as many clothes as possible, set about making a fire, and laid out a heavy blanket on the ground so they could cuddle near the fire.

   "Oh my god, the ground is still so cold. My face is roasting. And my ass is freezing."

   "I think I can fix that." Dean smirked and wrapped his hands around Cas's hips and pulled his boyfriend into his lap. "Better?"

   "Sure." Cas relaxed into Dean's arms, rubbing his gloved hands over the sides of Dean's legs.

   They'd been there for a while when Dean finally spoke up. "Cas, what do you think about us... long term?"

   Cas half-slid off of Dean's lap and turned to look at him.

   It took him a few minutes to respond, quietly, "I'd be lying if I said I've never thought about it." He traced his finger down Dean's cheek. Dean leaned into the touch and shuddered at the weight of the conversation.

   "Me too."

   They stared at the sky until the stars were plentiful and bright, more than either of them had ever seen. Miles from the city lights, the light from the universe reflected in the lake and in their eyes lit up their valley and the flowers in an opalescent light that only stars can make. Cas's eyes fluttered shut.

   "Cas?"

   "Dean."

   "Would you wanna... move in with me?"

   His eyes flew open at that. It was rather unexpected. So Cas responded in the most intelligent way that his brain could in that moment. "Uuuhhhhhh...."

   Dean started backtracking at the first sign of doubt. "I mean, you don't have to, I just-"

   "No, Dean, I think we should."

   Dean stared, doe-eyed. "Really?"

   "Yeah."

   "You're not shittin' me right now. It was that easy?"

   Cas laughed. "Were you expecting a fist fight?"

   "No thanks, I've met your elbow, and that was enough for me." Cas rolled over on the ground laughing. The cold in the ground seeped into his bones and he rolled back over to crawl into Dean's lap. 

   "I feel like I'm in a pretty good place right now, and I think it's only gonna get better if we move in together." Cas's arms wrapped around Dean like an octopus. "What makes you ask?"

   Dean nuzzled his nose into Cas's hair. "Well, there's that thing where I love you. That was kinda part of it. And I'm in a good place too, and I thought maybe now's the time in our relationship to... take that step."

   "Mmmm."

   "Mmmm?"

   "Mmmm."

   "Okay. Tent?"

   Cas pinned Dean to the ground beneath his body.

   "I think I'd like to fuck you under the stars tonight, sweetheart."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this chapter kinda (really) sucks, and that it's short. (I hate myself and everything I write.) Maroon Peak and Maroon Bells are both real places.   
> Comments and kudos are the breath in my lungs! <3


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